Etify Me

So many people have been harassing me for a new Etiquette post that I just couldn’t put it off any longer (you’re welcome Jill). Now, I usually have a theme when I write these, but this one is going to be a mish-mash of random observations and “suggestions.”

Your crotch/ My face:

To the crotch-jamming chick I encountered on (you guessed it) the train yesterday: As much as I like getting to know new people, I’m not particularly interested in having you stick your crotch in my face at 7 in the morning (or at any other time of the day for that matter). If this is something you’re keen on doing, might I suggest changing career paths and getting a job in a strip joint or perhaps, a brothel. Or if you’re lucky, you might be able to find a Crotch-Jammers Anonymous group to help you with your problem. #trainassholes

Mirror Mirror (is broken):

To the men who think working out their upper bodies and ignoring their lower bodies is cool: You look like fucking idiots. Do you realize that you’re shaped like a light bulb? You can’t possibly think that this is attractive to women! Also, stop walking around like you’re as wide as my Hummer – you’re not. Lose the ego and walk like a normal human being. Also, get a new mirror so you can see how stupid you look. Just sayin’.

OhhhhhM:

Last week I went to a yoga class. I was patiently waiting in the hallway with a few other people (if you know me, you know that my level of patience varies on any given day but I was feeling particularly Zen that day). Anyway, we’re all chilling quietly and feeling our yogic vibes, except for this obnoxious, unkempt douche-bag who was listening to his MP3 at full volume. What the fuck? 1) It’s a yoga studio not Starbucks 2) Dude had a negative vibe 3) Aren’t yoga studios supposed to quiet spaces where you can meditate and reflect?

Surprise fuckers: 

You might be asking yourself what a ‘Surprise fucker’ is and I will tell you. A Surprise Fucker is a craptastic (read: stupid) driver who never feels the need to use his/her turn signal (because let’s face it, that’s just WAY too complicated). I particularly enjoy following Surprise Fuckers for long periods of time because this allows me to practice my defensive driving techniques. This is why I need a Hummer. I would so rear-end their asses. On purpose. Cab drivers are Surprise Fuckers (let’s see if Mr. T is still reading this blog).

The No Entrance/No Exit Policy:

There’s nothing I like better than walking behind someone who is too fucking stupid/lazy/oblivious to hold the door open for me. Now, I don’t think people HAVE to hold the door open for anyone – but when it’s morning rush hour and hundreds of people are getting off  trains and heading for the nearest exit, you would think holding a door would be an automatic reflex, no? No. I’m waiting for the day when I get my ass knocked out after being slammed in the head by one of those really dense doors that’s on a spring contraption. Fucker in front of me will let the door knock me unconscious and go about his day like nothing happened. This is why we have wars, people. Get a fucking clue – being nice is free motherfuckers!

My dog shit here, how about yours?

I have a dog. Her name is Tosca. Tosca is a big dog – she’s a German Shepherd. Big dogs shit big poop. My dog is trained to do her business in our yard prior to our escapades. If, for whatever reason, she needs to poop during our walks, we PICK IT UP. This is why poop bags exist. If you can’t pick up your dog shit, then don’t buy a fucking dog.  I’m getting sick and tired of having to look down when I power walk to avoid stepping in dog shit!

(No) Sympathy for the Devil:

For the last couple of weeks, university students have been wreaking havoc in Montreal, protesting an increase in tuition fees that will be applied each year for the next five years. The “increase” involves the sum of $325. This represents about $1 per day.  I have zero sympathy for these self-entitled brats, who have had no qualms about disrupting the lives of hardworking people like myself. Here’s why: first of all, students in the province of Quebec pay the least for tuition – they pay less than any other province in Canada. Secondly, if you can afford to buy the latest technology (Macs, iPhones, iPads, Smartphones etc.), brand name clothing/ accessories, $5 coffee, and you can afford to party every weekend, then you can afford to pay their tuition. Give up the luxury items and get a job – like I did when I was in school. I worked a full-time job while going to school full-time and I didn’t bitch about it. No one owes you anything.  Considering that tuition is excessively high in other countries, what do my US and foreign readers think about this?

And this concludes today’s etiquette post. Check out my other etiquette posts here. They’re much more sarcastic 😀

Things That Make You Go Hmmm…

Someone once told me that, years ago, it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do business at your front door. That must have been a really long time ago, because when I hear a knock on the door these days, I fantasize about answering it wearing Braveheart face paint while wielding a pitchfork or a trident.

Preet Banerjee, Globe & Mail

I read this quote in the Globe & Mail this morning and it made me laugh; probably because that last bit sounds like something I would say under similar circumstances – however, I would include the call of the Bedouin to accompany the face paint. I’m pretty sure door-to-door salesmen would stop popping in unexpectedly.

After reading Banerjee’s article, it reminded me of all the random visitors that used to ring our doorbell when I was a kid, notably, the ex-cons, who would go door-to-door selling leather wallets that they’d made, or pens and other assorted, often useless crap. We had Girl Guides, Boy Scouts and school kids selling chocolate, and people who sold freshly picked strawberries. We were often visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons too, who felt that the best way to spread religion was by going door to door and a) ask for money while b) insisting that we needed their brand of God to save us. Back then, people were more trusting – more willing to give a person the benefit of the doubt. Mom bought her fair share of wallets and the occasional pen from ex-cons in order to ‘help them get back on their feet’ (though religous nuts were kindly sent on their way). Can the same be said now? In this day and age, when the media constantly turns our eyes toward violence, scams, rip-off artists, the doctor turned murderer, the lover turned con man/woman, the mother who drowned her kid, elder abuse – does anyone really trust anyone anymore?  Do we have a reason to? Do you easily trust strangers? Do you give them the benefit of the doubt? Or are you more weary, cautious? Personally, I don’t answer my door unless I know someone specific is stopping in. There are just way to many nut jobs out there for me to take a chance. Similarly, I admit that when meeting new people, I maintain a certain level of suspicion until I’ve assessed that they’re good people and “trustworthy.”  Sleep with one eye open, I always say!
What do you guys think?

Sweet! Off the Top of My Head: 2’2011

Hear ye! Hear ye!
The second installment of Off The Top of My Head (2011) is now in session. You are therefore required to sit your buttocks down and start reading immediately! (Oh, was that too harsh? But look! Instead of using ‘asses’, I used ‘buttocks!).

– I wonder how often bartenders sleep with their patrons…. I suppose if I asked one of them, they would deny ever sleeping with a client, which would of course be utter bullshit. Same goes for bouncers. Anyone have any first-hand knowledge to share?

– I heard a guy talking on his cell phone the other night; he was telling the person on the other end that he would kill himself if he got a parking ticket. He reiterated repeatedly that he would just KILL himself. Really? Over a $45 parking ticket? Dude needs to start meditating or something. Also, try looking at the parking restrictions on all of those ‘No Parking’ signs posted all over town – then perhaps we can avoid a blood bath. Duh?

– I heard a guy talking on his cell phone at lunch today (yes, another one); he was telling the person on the other end of the line that during his/her driving courses, they must have been told how to determine where one is allowed to park their car. Uh, OK seriously? Do you people not know how to read parking signs? Furthermore, does one really need a driving class to figure out where and where not to park!?

– If you go to the pub, and you decide to eat, and you look at the menu for half an hour…..can you explain to me why you end up with Caesar salad? It took you a half hour to peruse the menu and you picked salad? That’s just odd. One does not go to the pub to eat salad. You need to aim for something more exciting – like Guinness stew, or home fries with curry mayo. Or the standard pub fare of fish n’ chips.

– I wonder what it feels like to have man-boobs. I mean, for a man, that is. I wonder if it’s the equivalent of how a flat-chested chick feels? Any dudes with man-boobs and/or flat-chested gals who can provide some input? 😀

– If say, an “organization” gives one a laptop… and said laptop is a piece of crap that affects one’s productivity such that one can’t bloody work without rebooting the damn thing 15 times in one day…. and this is compounded by other annoying problems… and this goes on for say, a year. Then one gets fed up and demands a new laptop so that one can once again be productive…. can someone explain to me why said “organization” replaces the piece of crap laptop, with an allegedly “new” laptop (read: refurbished) that was previously a piece of crap for someone else? Are we playing musical craptops here or what? Perhaps said “organization” is just switching things up so that instead of the usual problems, one can be plagued with brand new ones? You know, to keep things exciting?

– It is my belief that there are people in this world who think that owning an iPhone or Blackberry makes them cool. It’s all in the attitude – the expression on their faces as they ever so gently tap that iPhone screen, or in the tone of their voices as they speak authoritatively to their mothers via their Blackberrys. Why is it that people are so attached to these contraptions? And why do they hold such an important place in our lives? They’re phones! (I’m excluding myself from “our lives” because frankly, I can live my life with no phone at all). When I see you with your iPhone, or your Android, or your Blackberry – I do not think you are cool. I think you’re a slave to your phone. Your over-priced phone.

And this concludes today’s random thoughts. Got random thoughts of your own? You know I’d love to hear them!

 

And They Wonder Why They’re Single

The other day, I shared a few insights on why certain men are still single (much to their surprise I’m sure) in my post Etiquette for the Online Stalker. Just when I thought the dating scene couldn’t get any more precarious, someone sent me this link <insert loud sigh accompanied by head shaking here>. In case you can’t be bothered to click on the link, I’m going to fill you in on the source of my disbelief.

This article is about a guy who travels the world… with his blow-up doll. Yes, you have read correctly. He has 14 dolls – and he’s spent £16,000 on travel and outfits, including £1,270 of lingerie. Lingerie people! For a fuckin’ doll! But that’s not all – he’s taken his doll Bianca, skydiving too. Really, what is an appropriate reaction to something like this? I have no words. Except to say that he is, of COURSE, Canadian. Great! That’s the kind of reputation I’m looking for! Did I mention that he was married?  I can imagine my next trip now:

 

“Hi, I’m Ann.”

“Hi Ann – where you from?”

“I’m from Montreal.”

“Oh yeah? Montreal’s in Canada, isn’t it?”

“Sure is!”

“Isn’t that weirdo whose addicted to blow-up dolls from there?”

 

I digress.  But before I continue, meet Bianca:

Courtesy of ohellnawlblog.com

Moving along to more interesting news… DD emailed me earlier to inform me of a new trend that is becoming increasingly popular amongst the male community. It’s called the ‘nut pole.’ Would you like to take a wild guess at what this trend involves? No? Well then, I shall tell you. In order to partake in the ‘nut pole’ phenomenon, one must jump from a chair and land directly onto a pole. Yes, a pole. What the fuck!? The intended purpose is to land on your nuts. Men, I ask you: where is the appeal in this activity? Are you that sexually deprived? Jesus! I have no nuts and the thought alone makes me cringe. Sadly, I have no photo to share with you (you’re probably thanking me for that right now). This is messed up! That said, if any of my man readers want to try this out and report back, I’m willing to write about 😀

No wonder there are so many single men out there. If you’re not nut-poling, you’re dating inflatable dolls – or stalking women on sites like Plenty of Crap. And you wonder why you’re single. Gee, I wonder.

 

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Letting Go of Judgment

A few days ago I received my latest Amazon order, which included a few books that I had selected from Moksha‘s recommended reading list. For those of you who don’t know, Moksha has hot yoga studios throughout Canada and also offer yoga teacher training.  Since I’m at a stage where I want to deepen my practice and eventually teach, I thought it might be a good idea to see what all the yogis are reading these days. Surprisingly, the list was quite extensive! To be honest, when I thought about deepening my yoga practice and teaching, I automatically assumed that this would involve a more physical process. Not so! Anyway, from the list, I picked three books that spoke to me the most- books that I felt I wouldn’t abandon out of boredom. Admittedly, I opted to ignore the two books that I should probably read first – but we can get back to those when I’ve actually read them 😀

I opted to start with Judith Lasater’s Living Your Yoga. In a nutshell, this book talks about how we can use yoga to help us reconnect with the ‘scared’ in everyday life, and how our ability to do this can positively impact all aspects of our lives – not just our yoga practice. I haven’t finished the book yet, however Chapter 4: Self-Judgment stood out for me. Lasater talks about how often, we don’t seek comfort in our yoga poses, but rather, we over-challenge ourselves in order to conquer the pose. According to her, ‘it is not uncommon for students to berate themselves with self-judging internal dialogue during practice.’ Lasater perfectly describes how I’ve been feeling lately; my internal dialogue has been a real pain in the ass and I think that as a result of feeling ‘forced’ to practice or work out, I’ve switched off altogether. I also realized that the bulk of my internal dialogue revolves around self-judgment, and I’m conscious of the fact that I am my harshest critic. That said, I never viewed this in the way that Lasater describes it: if you expect more from yourself then you do from others, then you have the mindset that you are better, and consequently, you must perform at a superior level. This puts things into perspective for me, because when I consider Lasater’s viewpoint, I realize that I often put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself, only to achieve the opposite of what I want. This not only applies to my yoga practice and my work-outs, but it also applies in other areas of my life. I always tend to think that if I want something done right, I need to do it myself. I don’t think this means that I’m better then other people – I just have very high expectations of myself and therefore transfer those expectations on to others. Rarely do I think that someone can’t do what I ask – so in some ways, this can be good or bad. On one hand, this means that I have faith that someone can do the job, but on the other, I tend to be harsh in my judgment when they can’t. Ah-ha moment!

To liberate yourself of negative thoughts and self-judgment, you have to be aware of them; you must realize that judgment typically = blame. One of the exercises that Lasater suggests trying, is to not criticize yourself or anyone else for an entire hour. She adds a note that if that’s too much to ‘overcome’, to try it for 5 minutes. That’s quite a difference, isn’t it? 60-minutes versus 5-minutes? And what does it say about us as a society, if we can’t go one hour without judging someone?  Well, I tried this exercise and can tell you that not judging yourself or others is quite difficult. In doing so, I realized that we are prone to judgment much more often then we think – little things like commenting on or thinking about: another person’s actions, lack of action, words, perspective, attire, preferences, attitude, opinions – this is judgment, and we do it every single day without even realizing it. Why? Because our society tells us that it’s OK to judge each other.

So people, it looks like we all need to take a step back and ease up on ourselves, because letting go means that we should be accepting of ourselves and those around us, regardless of our shortcomings. It means that we should take life as it comes, and actively engage in it without judgment.

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