F**k the Rain

What better way to celebrate my return to the Blogosphere then by writing a brand new etiquette post? I know, there is no better way! Given that it’s been raining in Montreal for almost two weeks straight, let’s talk rain.

Photo: Kayode Okeyode

You Poke Me, I Poke You:
OK look – if you are one of those people who sports an unusually long umbrella, can you please have the foresight to carry your contraption upright, rather then slinging it back and forth as though it were some kind of horizontal pendulum (read: weapon)? The people walking behind you will be very grateful I’m sure, because most of them probably don’t want to have their eyes suddenly poked out of their heads, and I’m sure the boys would like to keep their nuts intact. Keep your disco stick to yourself.

Why Does it Always Rain on Me?:

I’ll tell you why – because oblivious, disrespectful train commuters insist on dumping their wet umbrellas in the overheads! Hello? Did you happen to notice that the overhead is just a set of rails with empty space in-between them?! Where do you think the water’s going to go? Do you think the train is equipped with invisible drains? Or perhaps you think that those of us who are seated, should be equipped with wet suits and large waterproof hats?

Rubber Ducky:

Similar to the above, it would be nice if commuters deposited their wet umbrellas on the floor, or perhaps, in a plastic bag, rather than leaving said wet umbrellas dripping on their fellow commuters’ feet. Hello. What the hell is wrong with you people? For once, can you pause to consider that there are other human beings, besides yourself, who reside on this bloody planet? No? Didn’t think so.

Batman & Robin:
You are wearing a jacket, not a cape. Can you please wait until you are off the train before flinging it around as though you’re about to take flight? We’re wet enough – we don’t need an additional sprinkle, thank you very much.

Battle of the Umbrellas:
It’s bad enough that I have to walk outside in the rain. It’s worse that I’ve had to do this for two damn weeks. Please, can you use your head, and either make room for oncoming pedestrians who also carry umbrellas (like YOU)? Perhaps angle your umbrella a bit, or raise it up/ lower it down so that everyone can walk past each other without colliding into a bunch of damn umbrellas? Also, refusing to move your body or your umbrella when people are walking toward you is really quite rude, particularly if this forces a person to hold their umbrella so high up, that they end up soaked. Karma, dude. Karma.

Car vs. Pedestrian:
Yes I know we’re all in a great big hurry to get to where we’re going. That said, in a downpour, doesn’t it make sense for drivers to allow pedestrians to cross the street so that they don’t get any wetter then they already are? You are sitting in the warmth of your car. It’s dry, you’ve got the radio on – everything is right with the world. But that pedestrian is getting soaked because it’s fucking raining sideways and they haven’t invented an umbrella for that yet. Have some heart people!

It’s NOT Li
ke Riding a Bicycle:
Apparently when it rains, people for get how to drive. I could write an entire post about this but I’m just going to leave it alone. That said, I do encourage you to read Driver’s Manual if you’d like to know how I feel about drivers in general.

And finally, a note to Mother Nature:

I understand that you are probably suffering from a severe case of PMS (Pre, Present, Post – whatever!), but I think I speak for all Northeasters (and in particular, Montrealers) when I say this: Please STOP the fucking rain already woman! Take some goddamn Midol or something!

So, what’s the weather like where you are? If you have been graced with the sun, can you please send a little bit my way before I go manic-depressive on the world?

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