Idiot of the Month – May 2011 Winner!

Earlier this week, one of my readers forwarded me the below profile. She came across it on an online dating site, and felt that this person was highly deserving of the Idiot of the Month award. I concur! So without further ado, I present to you the Idiot of the Month for May 2011!

About Me:

  • I drink alot, am argumentative and extremely opinionated! [RAnnDomized: First off,  learn how to spell; ‘a lot’ is two words, not one. Secondly, ‘argumentative’ and ‘extremely opinionated’ are not qualities most women look for in a man. Perhaps you should invest a little time and effort in cultivating your level of intelligence.]
  • I have ego issues, and have problems taking no for an answer. [RAnnDomized: Read: Narcissist. The world revolves around him – yet another quality women don’t look for in a man. In fact, I would venture to say that women run away from idiots like this one and opt for a four-legged pet instead.]
  • On the plus side, I like to balance out my hedonistic ways with healthy experiences. [RAnnDomized: Oh? Such as? Looking at yourself in the mirror while flexing your bicep muscles? Is that what those are? Or perhaps you have a man-made lake in your basement, where you spend most of your time gazing at yourself? Just remember – that’s what killed Narcissus. Just sayin’.]
  • I know I am better than 90% of the guys on this site, in fact I would probably beat them up given the chance. [RAnnDomized: Isn’t that statement an oxymoron? You’re ‘better’ so you’re going to beat the shit out of  your competition? Insecure much? Or is this what you meant by balancing our your hedonistic ways with healthy experiences? Can you say DUH?]
  • PS. I’m well endowed and extremely good in bed!!! [Well now that makes up for everything! Men who boast about how well-endowed they are, and how great in bed they THINK they are, are usually all talk and no action. And they usually suck in bed. This guy needs a reality check on what women want!]

First Date:

Whatever…you pay!!! [Awesome! Thanks for telling us in advance – your level of stupidity and narcissism make it quick and simple to reject you before you even ask us out! Kudos, dude!]

Yup. This one is definitely a winner. I bet unsuspecting females are beating down his door to go out with him. NOT.

If you’re curious to see what I think about online dating, check out this post – and if you want to see who the last Idiot of the Month was, check out this post!

Idiot of the Month – Winner!

Because truly, I personally don’t think I’ll encounter anyone as moronic as this guy in the two remaining weeks of March. That said, if you meet someone who surpasses this guy’s level of idiocy, please alert me ASAP!

An acquaintance of mine who, for all intents and purposes, still believes that there are decent men to be met via the online dating community (is she nuts?), forwarded this to me a few days ago. As you know from this post and this post, I think online dating is complete and utter bullshit. This “profile” only reinforces that belief and serves to prove my point – that single men utilizing online dating web sites, are single for a REASON. Wake up assholes! For any men reading this post, I’m not saying that this level of stupidity and arrogance is strictly reserved for men – but I’m writing from a female perspective and I write based on feedback that I’ve received from women. Feel free to jump in if you’ve encountered your own version of female-craziness via the online dating world, otherwise known as ‘The Zoo.’ I would love to hear what you have to say.

In order to preserve this guy’s stupidity and arrogance (and his inability to write cohesively), I have not modified or edited this text in any way. After all, it’s only fair that he be portrayed as the loser that he is, right? In addition, I have removed any inferences to the web site in question, and any identifying features that would lead you to this guy – after all, I don’t want to get sued. Lastly, for your reading pleasure, I have provided my commentary here and there –  be sure to read all the way down!

THIS SITE IS HILARIOUS! … gotta luv the online dating scene! [RAnnDomized: So why are you on a dating web site loser?Did you think it was a comedy club?]

Few things I just have to say:

#1) IF THE PICTURES YOU POST ARE NOT ACTUALLY YOU…. YOU DON’T NEED A BOYFRIEND, YOU NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST!!! [RAnnDomized: Really? Have you seen your picture lately? You look like a fucking hobo! That said, men are just as guilty of posting fake photos, or photos of themselves taken 20 years ago as women are. And BTW, inappropriate use of exclamation points…!!!!!!!]

#2) EVERY BODY I KNOW IS ON THIS SITE… [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah? How many bodies do you know? And more importantly, are they alive? I guess if every ‘body’ you know is on ‘this’ site, then you must know of lot of assholes.] NOT ONE OF THEM WILL ACTUALLY ADMIT IT!!! REMEMBER IF YOU FOUND ME ON HERE, ITS ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE ON HERE YOURSELF! LOL… FUNNY WHEN I GET “OMG YOUR ON X”… AAAAAAA AND SO ARE YOU! DUH!!! [RAnnDomized: Can you fucking learn the difference between ‘your‘ & ‘you’re‘ and ‘its‘ & ‘it’s‘ !? Also, if you’re trying to demonstrate shock or surprise, try using “Ah!” instead of multiple uses of the letter ‘A.’ Duh?]

#3) WOMAN IF YOU HAVE A KID, EXCEPT THE “MILF” TITLE WITH PRIDE LOL and disclose it where it clearly states “have children? PUT YES or at least PREFER NOT TO SAY!!!” [RAnnDomized: Right, because every single mother with a kid will by default, appeal to idiots like you. Lucky them!  And BTW, if I “have a kid except the MILF title”… really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Take a dictionary next time you’re trying to sound intelligent. You obviously need to invest in one.] A real man will love you and your kid!!! [RAnnDomized: A ‘real’ man wouldn’t write this bullshit profile, or assume that every mother with a single kid should be dumped into the bogus category of MILF.]

#4) Last time I checked “dating” meant drinks/dinner/coffee/lounge that kind of thing… if we are on a date I SHOULD be able to actually touch you! [RAnnDomized: Really? When was the last time you checked? Since when does dating equivocate being manhandled by fuckers like you? If you’re on a date with a girl, you’re entitled to SEE her, not touch her dumbass.] SINCE WHEN DID DATING BECOME ENDLESS EMAIL MESSAGES, TEXT MESSAGES, BLACK BERRY MESSAGES, MSN AND TELEPHONE CONVO’S TIL WEE HRS OF THE NIGHT!?!?!? [RAnnDomized: Since you joined The Zoo, you useless idiot!] Hilarious I have had girls I connected with off this site who have wanted to have phone sex with me :s yet not willing to even meet up for a coffee lol… is this what the world has become? Not into cyber sex ladies, and dont need a digital girl friend- ALREADY HAVE ENUFF LOL 😛 [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah, I’m sure you have ‘enuff’ digital girlfriends – in the form of Avatars. Or perhaps jacked up animated characters that live in your alternate reality, AKA the video games that you play because you can’t get a date with a real woman.]

#5) Putting half naked pics wont get you a boyfriend… it will get you a broken heart! [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah? Well posting pics of your random body parts will get YOU fuck all. Why? Because you’re an obnoxious moron who assumes most women are like you – interested in the superficiality of big fucking biceps and hot rods. In addition, woman who post half-naked pics of themselves are probably doing so to emphasize that a loser like YOU, will never be able to date them. Just thought I’d point that out.] Unless your a lil pornostar like most girls these days which in that case your profession should say “escort”… oh wait, that would mean you at least get PAID for your services!!! [RAnnDomized: Is this guy for real? Since when did women become default porn stars simply because they decided to try online dating? Hey dumbass – you’re the first one to ask for a full body shot when you message a chick, so spare me the fake compassion and get off your Hugh Hefner horse!] lol Secondly, do any of you woman actually want thousands of dead beat loser guys [RAnnDomized: You mean like you?] messaging you “YOUR SEXY”??? [RAnnDomized: My sexy what?]The real HOTTIES already know they are hot and hearing “YOUR HOT or SEXY PIC” is the last thing a beautiful woman wants to hear on here or in person!!! Any man who has actually dated a hot girl WOULD know that!!! [RAnnDomized: I guess that rules you out because no woman I know would waste her time chatting with you, much less gracing you with her presence in real life.]

#6) THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL ON HERE WHO I GUARANTEE SHARE MY SAME FEELINGS… Who the heck creates the “MATCHES” list?!?!?!?!? I’d be better off registering on a “Russian rent a bride” site before settling for 99% of the ppl they put on my list lol..
[RAnnDomized: You’d be better off getting a life – comb your hair, get an education and hey – get a job while you’re at it! You’re getting shitty matches because you’re an asshole! Haven’t figured that out yet?]

I’m sure I will come up with “NEW” things to add but for now I think I ranted enough….[RAnnDomized: Please, spare those poor women the aggravation of your stupidity. You’re an asshole – no one cares what you have to say, particularly when you can’t properly formulate a thought, nor can you spell. Did I mention that you’re an asshole?]

For the record, I didn’t come on here to find the love of my life, to seek a serious relationship, or search for a new girlfriend! [RAnnDomised: Uh… OK? Then why did you join The Zoo? Is this your weak attempt at reverse psychology? Think women will beat down your door with THIS profile?] Dont get me wrong, never turn down a hot date [RAnnDomised: I’m sure that would be true if you could actually get one.] lol but not looking to skip any steps or rush into anything serious as my mind/focus [RAnnDomised: You have a mind?] is on my financial future. I want to be that MAN who can provide for his family and ensure his children don’t have to endure the stress and obstacles I have!!! [RAnnDomised: Yes, being born stupid is quite the obstacle to overcome, especially when it follows you into your adult life.] I always been the guy taking care of everybody else around me and neglecting to satisfy my own needs, wants and desires! Right now, im doing ME! [RAnnDomised: Oh yeah? And how does it feel to be doing yourself because no decent woman will?] Come to believe that if you want to find the one- BE THE ONE! One cannot do that without time, energy and sacrifice but unfortunately most girls I have dated lately fail to understand that! [RAnnDomized: Riiiiight. Whatever dude.]

About me? A sweet genuine soul with ambitions beyond most ppl’s wildest imagination. [RAnnDomized: No, you are an arrogant asshole. There’s a big difference.]

I love to create and develop; friendships, partnerships, investment portfolios, muscles lol, but most importantly memories and experience! [RAnnDomised: Well yes, because muscles are the key to every relationship.]

I’ve always believed; we get not what we want and wish for but what we deserve!
[RAnnDomised: So if I want a Big Mac, I won’t get it unless the universe decides that I’m worthy enough?]

Therefore I leave this profile here to put myself out there while I continue to work endlessly on the dreams and ambitions I do have control over!
[RAnnDomised: Must be nice to live in your delusional world. I guess your profile is going to be up for a very, very, VERY long time.]

Love? not something that can be found, can only be developed so cheers to developing new friendships and the magic that can come from one!

[RAnnDomised: Maybe you should look for it at the bottom of a pint glass.]

 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day y’all! 


Etiquette for the Online Stalker. Err, Dater…

Personally, I’m not a fan of online dating and I have very little interest in going down that road. I prefer to meet men naturally – in a coffee shop, in HMV, walking down the street. To me, dating sites are the online version of a meat market, though be it a much larger, more viral one. I’ve had a few conversations recently with friends and acquaintances who opted to try the online dating scene; based on their feedback, I had enough material to put together a brand new etiquette post – for all those guys out there who think they’re the online shit. In order to write this in the first person, I had to put myself in my friends’ shoes, and then conjure up my inner b*tch for effect 😀

Not Hooked on Phonics: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! If you’re trying to impress someone online, whether they be man, woman or animal, and you opt to email or IM that person, how about you get off your lazy ass and: 1) use full sentences, 2) use proper spelling, 3) throw in a little punctuation for good measure? Unless the recipient of your email/IM is as daft (or lazy) as you are, you ain’t impressing nobody.

To All the Illiterates I’ve Never Loved Before (and likely never will): Dear Smoker and father to nine children, if you read my profile prior to initiating contact with me, you would know that I don’t date smokers, nor do I want kids – not mine or anyone else’s. You would also know that unlike you, I am not a fan of Enrique Iglesias or Leona Lewis. I like Nine Inch Nails and Led Zepplin. Still think we’re a match made in heaven? Read the damn profile first! You’ll save yourself and your victims a lot of time.

The Invisible Font Phenomenon
: Here’s what’s going to happen – you’re going to send me an email with ‘Hi’ in the subject. You won’t write anything else in that email – not one damn word! I will then proceed to delete your email because your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to write anything useful in said email. Tip: If you don’t want to write, then stick to IMs, where it’s acceptable not to write full sentences or use punctuation, and keep your questions/responses to a four-word minimum.

Stalktastic: Listen dumbass – if you email me and I don’t respond, there might be a reason. Like, you’re not my type, we don’t share the same interests, or you look like a stalker. Please don’t IM me – if I didn’t respond to your email it’s not because I’m playing hard to get – it’s because I’m not interested. I will proceed to reject your incoming IM. Do not follow that up with another fucking email! Also, if you email me every time I log on, it will soon become apparent that you’re stalking me! Stop it!

Ignorance is Bliss: To further elaborate on the above point – if I don’t respond to your email, it means I’m not interested. Stop sending me follow-up emails to tell me that I’m a rude b*tch I am for not responding to you. Get over yourself – you’re not my fucking type! Dude, move on!

Going To the Chapel: I know this is difficult to comprehend – but not every single woman in her thirties wants to get married. At least not within five minutes of chatting with you. Chill OUT. Similarly, don’t invite me to dinner at your place or ask me to come over and show you how to do yoga – I don’t know you and I may never want to know you beyond this chat window!

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words: OK, here’s what doesn’t impress a girl: Pictures of you on or in your car/ truck/ motorcycle/ boat/ ATV – if you’re that attached to your vehicle then maybe you should date it. Pictures of you with no shirt on, wearing only your boxers/briefs/Speedos, working out or posing, or pictures of your random body parts. If you like yourself that much, then just date yourself – I’m sure the two of you will be very happy together. And lastly, pictures of you with your ex-wife/ ex-girlfriend – honestly, why the hell would you even post those when you’re trying to win over a chick?

Words Are Worth 1000 Words: Look, if you can’t carry a conversation via chat, my guess is you can’t carry one in real life either.  If you sound like an idiot when you type, no one will want to meet you. Furthermore, please cut the attempts at intellectual bullshit – trying to appear ‘philosophical’ or mysterious just confuses you and everyone else because half the time, you make no damn sense. Just talk!

I Think Therefore I Am: Maybe if you were more creative, you’d get more hits. Openers like “I might be the one you’re looking for,” “You won’t be disappointed” or “Looking for the one” are so incredibly generic – there are about 10,000 other guys using the exact same line. Try a little originality why don’t you.

Have any of you checked out the online dating scene? If so, what was your experience like? And for those of you haven’t, what do you think about this way of meeting members of the opposite sex?

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