Mixed Tape & Teen Angst

Greetings RAnnDomizers!

Before we move on to today’s Mixed Tape selection, I’d like to share the source of my current state of agitation. Those of you who know me, know that I have a long history of shit luck when it comes to neighbors. I don’t know what it is, but I’m certainly not the recipient of good neighborly karma, despite my being a great neighbor: quiet, mind my own business, keep my shit clean. Stomping Tom has been the bane of my existence for six years, but I’m used to him now and lately, he’s been pretty good. Prior to Tom, I had an assortment of loud, noisy upstairs neighbors, including a drunken landlady, a chick who grew pot on her front balcony and two men who I’m sure practiced Kung Fu in their apartment. You may also recall a post where I discussed the pervert who moved in with his mother last summer (next door); the one who sat in the dark, waiting for me to come home at night, and who thought it was perfectly acceptable to watch me do yoga via my patio door. Yes, I have been blessed with much neighborly love over the last few years.  Anyway, thanks to the perv being a  deadbeat (and his refusal to give up his shitting dog), his mother decided to sell her condo. For the last couple of months, I’ve wondered what kind of asshole would move in next door because let’s face it – my luck sucks when it comes to neighbors. I can be as positive as fucking Ghandi and Mother Teresa combined – my luck still sucks.

So tonight I got home to find the moving truck parked next door. Great – the mystery will finally be solved. Yeah. It’s solved alright. Not only is there a teenager now living next door – there are two. TWO teenagers. Living next to ME, in a bloody 4 1/2, in a building that has no goddamn soundproofing. Thank you neighbor Gods – thank you for ensuring that my shit luck did NOT run out. Now, I don’t know if we have a single parent situation going on or what  – but these buildings are primarily inhabited by folk who are retired. Old folk. Folk who don’t want noisy assholes and scooter gangs taking over the hood. As LUCK would have it, these pubescent fuckwits haven’t even unpacked yet (How do I know this? The damn moving truck is still here!), and their posse of fuckards has already set up camp on the front lawn. I’m taking all of this as a sign that I need to pack my shit and get the hell out.  Oh sure, maybe they’ll make fabulous neighbors – but I doubt it. Tomorrow I’m going to check out noise-canceling headphones. I want a pair that cancels out noise by 110%. Do they make those?

<Deep breath>

OK.

I am sure you will all find Friday’s selection pretty fucking ironic considering my current mood (I’m writing this Thursday night). Sure, I could’ve picked something else but I wasn’t in the mood to go through my music in search of a replacement. Also, my fucking iPod has frozen and I’m still trying to figure out how to get the damn thing to show a sign of life. So, without further ado, today’s Mixed Tape selection is:

 

Now, having watched the video, I’m sure you’re thinking my selection isn’t that ironic after all. Padded rooms, scissors and stuffed toys – now that’s what I’m talking about. Neighbors, watch out – I’ll go ape shit on your asses.

 

Dear Neighbor

I can’t take it anymore. If I have to listen to my neighbor stomp on my head one more time, I’m going to bust an artery. This calls for a long overdue post on neighbor etiquette! Fuck!

1- If you live above someone then LAY OFF the stomping TOM! Yes, you know who you are Stomping Tom Connor! Especially when you have the audacity to complain to ME about how your fat noisy neighbor walks so heavily that your light fixtures shake! Hello? If you can hear HER, what makes you think I can’t hear you? At least you have the luxury of turning off your goddamn hearing aid!

2- If your neighbor approaches you and politely asks you to make less noise [because you STOMP all day and all night (but of course I only say that bit in my head)], don’t walk away in the middle of the conversation you stubborn old coot! Have some manners! Owning a condo means that you have to coexist with your neighbors, and really, why would you want an antagonistic relationship with your neighbors when all you need to do, is quiet the fuck down? I want harmony damn it!

3- Dear dog owner – I love dogs. My parents own a dog and she is fabulous. However, they do not let our dog run rampant on other peoples’ property. Nor do they allow our dog to shit on their neighbor’s lawn or piss in their flower beds. Furthermore, they do not sit outside in the dark at 11pm and allow the dog to bark while the neighbor’s are trying to sleep. Get. A. Clue.

4- Dear Pitbull-in-heat living on the 3rd floor – Were you born with a stick up your ass? Have you always been this miserable? You are a rude, angry poop head who creates problems where none exist. Try greeting your neighbors with a smile once in a while instead of starting pointless arguments; you might find that life in Balconville is a lot more pleasant. I’m still amazed that this woman found herself a husband. This is truly mind-boggling.

5- For those of you obsessed with lawnmowers, chainsaws and power tools: do your neighbors a favor and mow your lawns/build furniture/cut down your trees after 9 a.m. Do you think your neighbors enjoy being awakened by the melodious sound of your gas mower at 7 a.m. on a Saturday? Similarly, it is not cool to use power tools late at night. Those of us with jobs would like to unwind listening to something other then the classic sounds of your table saw when we get home at night.

6- If you don’t live here, then don’t park in my spot. Don’t park in front of car, and don’t block my entrance. When I politely ask you to move, don’t give me attitude. I live here. ME. Not you. So use the visitors parking lot like everybody else.

7- Dear pervert, while I’m flattered by your obsession (OK, not really), please refrain from looking into my condo while I’m practicing yoga. If I were interested in performing for an audience, I would join the Cirque de Soleil – they pay more then you do. Respect other peoples’ privacy, especially if they are in their own homes. It’s not rocket science.

8- Dear pervert, I am once again flattered by your obsession, however sitting in the dark and scaring the crap out of me with random ‘hellos’ is just fucking weird. Get a life. Or a job. Or both. Heck, move out of your mother’s place while you’re at it!

9- While I agree that kids should be free to run about and express themselves, I don’t want them running about on my property, especially not in large groups. Please use some common sense and send them to a park, or tell them to stay on your property.

It benefits everyone to have a good relationship with their neighbors, and in order to do this, there needs to exist a mutual respect between home owners. We need to respect each others’ privacy and boundaries. I don’t know why that is so difficult!

Have a story to share about your neighbors? Tell me about it via Comments!