Listen up, 2013

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written an etiquette post (sorry!). But it’s also been a while since I’ve written, period. For this, I blame procrastination as well as an occasional lack of inspiration. If I have nothing interesting, inspiring or funny to say, then I don’t see the point in publishing a post that will essentially be the written equivalent of verbal diarhea. You’re welcome.

Anyway, back to the etiquette posts. People often assume that my social etiquette posts are a reflection of who I am as a person; they incorrectly peg me as angry or negative, bitchtacular and/or unhappy with life. My reponse to that? Fuck you. No, seriously. First of all, I’m happy for a variety of reasons, none of which I need to justify. Secondly, I don’t write to impress anyone, nor do I write to gain social acceptance. I write for myself. So if you don’t like what I have to say, you can take your judgemental ass to another blog. If you can’t detect the sarcasm and humour in my posts, or simply admit that I’m telling it like it is – expressing thoughts that you yourself may be thinking but can’t muster up the balls to express, then that’s not my problem. OK? OK. Oh shit. Did that sound angry? SO SORRY…

At this time last year, I embarked on a new journey that would allow me to continue my soul searching and inner ‘transformation,’ so to speak. As some of you may know, I’ve been practicing yoga since 2006, but it’s only in the last 2-3 years that I have truly immersed myself in my practice both physically and mindfully. This has yielded some tremendous benefits: clarity of mind, an inward calmness, physical well-being, spirituality and most importantly, self-awareness. It was my ongoing desire for self-awareness that led me to the idea of being mentored. More on that after the break… There has absolutely been a shift between how I felt/acted/reacted a few years ago and how I feel/act/react to things today. When I start getting stressed out, I find myself taking a few yoga breaths to chill out; when I’m faced with confrontation, or an asshole, I am able to step back and think about how I’m going to react to that person or situation. These days, I often don’t react at all, choosing to walk away or simply let go. I’ve learned to choose my battles, and often ask myself if something is really worth the energy or trouble. Trust me – this is HUGE progress for me. Anyway, in January 2012, I was feeling a tremendous amount of angst, frustration and anger at situations that I just didn’t know how to control. Actually, it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to control them, it was that there were so many of them – all of which impacted significant areas of my life. This certainly contributed to a negative state of mind. I WAS pissed off and no, I was NOT feeling the love. So… that’s one reason why I wrote so many etiquette posts when I started this blog, LOL. I was spending way too much time focusing on the negative rather than the positive. In the last year however, I have written very few etiquette posts… and I totally miss them!

In December 2012, I asked my friend and yoga teacher to mentor me. I wanted to work with someone who could be objective, and with whom I connected and shared common interests with. Choosing to be mentored is a big decision because it means you need to be honest with yourself and with your mentor. In many ways, it means that you have to be vulnerable to another person because let’s face it – if you don’t open up about your shit, you’re not going to get anywhere. In our first session, B and I talked about the specific areas/goals that I wanted to address/accomplish, and for one year, we focused on these, discussing ways to improve upon them, see what worked and what didn’t, adjusting goals accordingly. Flash forward to now. Big difference between how I felt last year and how I feel now. Did anything significant happen? Not really. I believe that we all have room to improve and my personal goal has always been to be the best person that I can be, and I have been working hard to change the areas in my life that I felt needed changing.  Sometimes that means changing my mindset or attitude. Sometimes it means staring my shit in the face and truly seeing what’s there. Sometimes it means being tested – and how I react will tell me who I am and what I’m made of.  I de-cluttered my life to make room for new and exciting possibilities. I realized that I have to be patient because shit won’t change until the time is right. I learned that progress is good and that it’ sthe building stone to greater things. I walked away from relationships that were going nowhere and hadn’t been going anywhere since who the fuck knows. I got rid of the energy vampires. I stopped feeling guilty about no longer investing my time in people who for all intents and purposes, didn’t give a shit about me.  It’s not always easy to walk away from people, but if you find yourself on the receiving end of nothing, what’s the point? I can focus my energy on things that are way more important like yoga or chocolate. So at the end of 2012, I set positive intentions relative to the goals I want to accomplish this year and I started 2013 off feeling super positive and energized.  This past weekend I had my first mentoring session of 2013 with B and he is definitely my gauge; he’s in a much better position to see the changes in me than I am, and he points these out to me on a regular basis. Right now, I feel great. I feel balanced.

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but it makes writing bitchy and sarcastic etiquette posts much more difficult!  But do not fear – I’m working on a new etiquette post now. After all, I can’t let my gift of sarcastic wit go to waste, can I?

[I can't remember where I found this image!]

[I can’t remember where I found this image!]

iDream (again)

I woke up at 3:38 a.m. this morning, and I was planning to write all about the deep thoughts that one has at that ungodly hour, but I’m going to save that for my next post. Today – I’m going to write about the crazy-ass dream I had between 5-7 a.m.

I was in New York with friends (none of whom I currently know). We were staying in a hotel and split out into two rooms – mine was #1010 and I was sharing it with a guy. I’m pretty sure it was the fellow who plays Tyrone on Coronation Street. Anyway, I went shopping with the girls and remember buying Fresh products. A girl I was with bought bright orange heels and I think, a matching bag. I’m pretty sure I know this chick in real life and I suspect she might be L2. Anyway, for whatever reason we decide to take a abus back to our hotel. We’re at the bus stop waiting and there are 2-3 black girls with us. One of them starts bothering us. In fact, I’d say the bitch was the equivalent of a bully since at one point she’d thrown me to the ground and was sitting on top of me. She wanted the crap we’d bought. Anyway, while she’s on top of me, her friend grabs my shopping bag and presumably my purse, since I remember worrying they’d have my phone. I don’t remember how we get to the hotel.

I then find myself in the hotel lobby, and it’s filled with people. All I want to do is go to my room but I don’t have a key and I remember thinking that the concierge wouldn’t give you another key but I can’t remember why. So I’m on the couch talking to these girls, presumably about what happened. I think they were nice but I don’t recall. The lobby is pretty full. I then see a tall black man walk past me, as I’m telling the girls about what happened. I think it’s Lionel Ritchie but in addition to that, it also turns out that he’s Whitney Houston’s father. He accuses me of lying about his granddaughter – the thieving bitch. I don’t recall what he was saying but it was enough to piss me right off and my reaction was to ask him if he was on crack too. There was a loud gasp from all the other guests when I said that. I remember thinking that was a cheap shot but whatever – it was a dream and the words just came out. Plus, sarcasm is second nature to me. Anyway, Whitney Houston’s daughter ripped me off.

The girls I was talking tried to calm me down (I think), and they called my room (#1010 – that number seemed to come up a lot) to see if “Tyrone” is back. He is, so he comes down to the lobby. He tells me he got my stuff back, which is questionable because when I look in the bag he gives me, all I see are those fucking orange high heels. “Tyrone” suggests going somewhere but I wanted to go to the room and freshen up first.

I head toward the elevators and see that the doors are open and about to close; there were two guys in there and one of them holds the door open for me. Both guys are smiling and seem pretty friendly. The one that stuck out the most had on a suit, and he had longish blond hair. He stood abnormally close to me for a stranger, and randomly touched me – you know, like someone does when they’re into you? They touch your arm or whatever. Anyway, I don’t particularly recall enjoying that. So we get to my floor and as I’m about to get out, dude grabs me around the waist, pulls me to him and licks my neck repeatedly. What. the. fuck. Whatthefuck!?

I don’t remember what happened between the time that I got off the elevator and this next bit of madness, but I’m with a guy that I went to university with (hi C-W!). We’re walking outside, when we come across a procession or parade that looked strangely, well, strange. It looked like we were in Cairo or some kind of Middle Eastern market. I remember telling Uni-guy that it reminded me of the scene in The Godfather II, when the religious procession is taking place, and Vito kills Fanucci. Anyway, it was really crowded with what seemed to be Arab men, shouting and chanting. Maybe they were praying – who the hell knows. So I look over to my right and I see the procession. I see an elephant. The streets were too crowded for me to really see the full procession and I got distracted by a group of Arab guys shouting at each from other atop the elephants or plantforms they were sitting on. They were all lined up with each other. THEN Russell Peters shows up. I think he was one of the angry men. He leans to his right and reaches his hand out behind him, and from the back of his head he pulls out a bone. I think he had some kind of ornamental action going on back there. He then throws the bone at one of the Arab guys. As the bone sails toward the guy, it elongates and the guy catches it with something that looks like a long, skinny tree trunk. Now that’s not phallic imagery at all, right?

So then it’s night and we’re on an empty street. I tell Uni-guy that I need to go somewhere specific (no clue where). We walk for a bit and get to a corner. One side is East 15th and the other is West 55th.  We run across the street and go up W55th.




Walking behind smokers. There’s nothing I like more than following a billowing smoke signal and inhaling fresh cancer-inducing toxins. Awesome! They should totally bottle that shit up and sell it!

Macho, macho men, who suddenly increase their volume at the sight of a hot chick (for the purposes of this exercise, we’ll refer to the hot chick as me). I also find it SUPER appealing when said (lascivious) men repeat their crap over and over, thinking this makes them seem smart and attractive (or possibly, they think I’m deaf). You look like an orangutan with mental problems, dude.

Pausing to let someone exit a building, and having that person nonchalantly let the door slam in my face rather than holding it open. Really? You were a foot away from me – did you temporarily go blind or did your big fat fucking ego swallow you up? Either way, you’re an asshole. But I can’t wait to let you slam the door in my face again!

Egocentric knobs who feel the need to quote “policy” to me on shit I can recite backwards and forwards. Honey, PLEASE. Isn’t it apparent yet that I can see beyond your mask of ineptitude and inefficiency? Don’t be quoting me that bullshit – if you want to reference policy, you might want to make sure you know what you’re talking about. Mofo.

Train she-assholes who elbow me in the back of the head. Repeatedly. WTF do you think you keep hitting, you obnoxious, self-absorbed beeOTCH? This is the problem with today’s society – everyone is too self-absorbed, and feels too self-entitled to pause and acknowledge the existence of others. Must be nice to live in a bubble. Guess that explains it: there’s not enough oxygen reaching your brain.

Accidentally buying solid milk and dark chocolate Easter bunnies at Laura Secord. First – I hate Laura Secord chocolate, and second, I’m SURE the wrapper(s) said MARSHMALLOW! Damn it. That’s all I wanted for Easter – one chocolate-covered marshmallow animal. Life is tough, man.

I don’t like:

Beautiful sunny days. I mean come on, who needs all this sun? And warmer temperatures? Please! Give me -30 damn it! I want to freeze my ass off and wear four layers of clothing!

The woman at Murale repeatedly calling me “beautiful girl.” Just because I have beautiful eyes and gorgeous eyelashes does NOT give you the right to compliment me. How dare you!

John-boy holding the door for me at Indigo, and telling me I’m the only person he would hold the door open for. Am I suppose to thank you for your chivalrous ways or something? I can hold the door open myself – I am a liberated woman!

John-boy’s colleague greeting me with joy, and hugging me before I left – AND telling me not to buy an e-Reader because I must continue to stop in at Indigo because they like to see me. Ugh, all this love is making me sick. What’s wrong with people?

Not being harassed on the train. Everyone should know by now that I LOVE train assholes and I love being harassed and abused by said assholes.

Having time to practice yoga. Seriously – do you think I prefer yoga to stress? Um, NO – stress totally makes me happy and I love it! I’m convinced being super stressed out and wanting to beat the shit out of certain inept people helps me to burn calories. Fuck yoga and meditation – bring on the heart-attack inducing stress!

And that’s what I like to call a reverse-etiquette post.

PS: To my new readers, I’m sarcastic. In case that wasn’t obvious 😀

Happy weekend dudes and dudettes!

Reiki & the Journey

I had my second Reiki session tonight. Despite having done it once before, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect this time. The last two weeks have left me feeling incredibly stressed out for reasons we won’t get into here, and I found myself wondering if my body’s reaction to Reiki, might be to beat the shit out of my healer. No, seriously – I was really worried I might deck her the moment she lay her hands on me. We started our session the same way as last time, with me on my back; and just like last time, I burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter that emerged from really, really deep inside me. I laughed myself to tears – which was great because that meant I wouldn’t be going to jail for assaulting my healer. Phew!

Unlike the last time, I felt very few sensations besides the intense heat that emanated from my body with each chakra that was being healed. I felt like I was on fire – one look at S’ face told me I wasn’t imagining things – she was as red as a lobster! What I did notice, were a few subtle differences between my first session and this one; this time, when S ‘worked’ my stomach, I didn’t feel like a great weight was on me and I had no difficulty breathing. S also noticed the difference: the energy was flowing well and she felt a sense of peace. Interestingly, for her, it felt like she was being jabbed with pins the entire time she ‘worked’ on my stomach. On my end, I couldn’t believe she felt calmness and peace in this area because this is where I store my emotions, frustrations, stress. Considering how stressed I’ve been, I’d say this is major progress. Interestingly, when I lay on my stomach and S ‘worked’ on my lower back/sacrum, which is the opposite of my stomach, she also felt peacefulness. At first, I felt like I had a weight on me, but this feeling soon shifted to something else – a cooling sensation that ran vertically (up my spine), but not horizontally. Eventually, this sensation changed. I had a vision of a small orb emanating light. Think of a shard of mirror  (the size of an egg) and the way it deflects/reflects light. That’s also how my sacrum felt – like there was a cooling glow dispersing light. As some of you may know, I have been dealing with an injury to my sacrum for quite some time now, so it’s really interesting that this is where I felt these sensations. Cold = healing.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the way my path has been unfolding in 2012, and feel sure that it will lead me to exactly where I want/ need to be. Reiki is part of this journey; when I spoke to S about this a few weeks ago, she was at first surprised that I was asking about Reiki because we’ve known each other for 16 years, and I’ve never asked her about it before. I knew she was a Reiki Master – her certificates are up on her office wall for everyone to see. We agreed that Reiki has come into my life now because I’m ready for it now – because it’s an essential part of my path. Sometimes things manifest themselves at exactly the right time – it’s up to you to seize those moments or let them go. In any case, it occurred to me that undertaking something like Reiki means that you must allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes a good deal of strength and open-mindedness to look at what’s inside of you and to make the decision to dig deeper, with the goal of ‘fixing’ yourself. It is my opinion that many people cannot do this. Pride, ego, fear and an inability to ‘let go’ all get in the way. After all – who wants to be reduced to a blubbering fool or a raving maniac in front of someone they may not even know? Luckily for me, I trust S implicitly and even though I do feel a little self-conscious about how I might respond, discovering what makes me tick, and removing the blocks is way more important to me. I’m totally willing to reveal my emotions if it means finding myself.  What about you?

Now, stay tuned to see what kind of crazy-ass dream I have tonight – maybe all the questions I had about my last dream will be answered by Bob the goat (I have affectionately named the Billy goat in my last dream, Bob). Speaking of Bob, I woke up thinking about him last week, and realized that Bob was head butting me in my last dream because he’s pushing me to take action – I think dude is encouraging me to get on the right path and get on with it already. Thanks Bob.

Reiki & W.T.F

Holy shit! Two posts in a row? It must be the end of the world!

A few weeks ago, I decided to try something that was completely new to me – something that would probably leave most people rather skeptical – Reiki.

My massage therapist of 16 years is a Reiki Master. Now, I’ve known this for many years but never thought to ask her about it until a month ago. I was curious to know what Reiki is and what it does. She explained to me that Reiki is the transfer of universal energy  from a healer (the Reiki master) to a recipient, via touch. The healer places his/her hands on specific areas of the body for a set period of time, starting at the head and working their way down your body (you first lie on your back). The process is then repeated (you lie on your stomach). Reiki is said to work with the chakras. Neither the healer nor the recipient has any control over how the recipient will react during a session. Some people have no reactions whatsoever, while others laugh, or cry, or feel anger. Your body will react the way that it needs to in that specific moment.  S and I spoke about it for some time, and the more she told me about it, the more drawn I felt to Reiki. S told me that it was interesting I had never asked her about Reiki until now. She thinks that this is because I wasn’t ‘ready’ before, but that I am now. I’m inclined to agree.  I decided my next appointment would be a Reiki session.

I had no clue what to expect. I lay on my back under a blanket, and S told me that I could open/ close my eyes, and speak throughout the session if I wanted to. The session began with S placing her hands on my face. Within a minute I started laughing uncontrollably. But I mean, REAL laughter people – the kind that emerges from the very depths of your being. I laughed so hard that I could barely breathe and I couldn’t speak. I had tears streaming down my face – I think this lasted 15-20 minutes! S said that in all the years she’s known me, she’s never seen me laugh so hard :-D.  I remember telling her that I hoped the laughing fit wasn’t going to last 90 minutes! (It didn’t).  During the session, I felt various sensations. First, S’ hands felt very hot (she said this represents fire, and usually fire = anger).  At times I felt tingling and/or vibrations, while other times I felt extremely cold (to the extent that I was shaking).  At other times I just felt an energy about me that I can’t explain.

Certain things definitely stood out for me; for the most part, S said that the energy was flowing really well. However, when she placed her hands on my abdomen, I suddenly felt a great weight on me that made it hard to breathe. S told me that the area was dense and that it was difficult for the energy to flow. She explained that this area is likely where I store my emotions, frustrations etc. and that it’s blocked. She was spot on with her take on this – I do store everything there, including my stress, anxiety, emotions – and I have intestinal issues that cause me a lot of problems.  Later, when S’ hands were on my shoulders, I had the same feeling – like a great weight was present. S explained that the shoulders carry burdens, weights – both physically and figuratively.  The interesting thing was that once she moved her hands down to my middle back, I suddenly started feeling this fresh, cooling sensation on my shoulders but nowhere else. It sort of felt like when you use a strong mouthwash or toothpaste – cool and refreshing. S told me cold = healing. At the end of the session, my body felt amazing – I felt like I’d had a massage! I’ll be going for session #2 in two weeks and am really looking forward to it.

Now for you dream interpreters… S told me that if you dream after a Reiki session, the dream is usually significant. Let’s see if anyone can decipher this crazy-ass dream:

I was at my friend’s house, and everyone was home (her, the hubs and the two kids). I saw everyone at least once, except the daughter. My friend was in the living room on her mobile. I was in the kitchen – there were no curtains or blinds on any of the windows or doors. There were dishes all over the counters – I think they were clean. I started rinsing them to put them in the dishwasher but when I opened the machine, it was full of dishes (they also looked clean) so I told the hubs that I’d do what I could but he’d have to take care of the rest. He walked over to the door and called me over, pointing up toward the sky. I looked up and first noticed that it was bright blue and super sunny out. There was a big cloud in the sky but it was one of those flimsy ones that looks like it’s disintegrating. In it, I could see a face. I went to get my camera but by the time I stepped outside with the boy, the cloud was gone. But there was another cloud – also flimsy-looking, that was shaped like a funnel – wide at the top and narrowing to a point at the bottom. It was full of holes. I turned toward the house, looking upward and saw a huge leafy tree that was filled with birds. All of them flew out at the same time. I turned back toward the yard and saw a small deer. I knew it was male. He approached me and I bent down to pet it. Every time I tried to take his picture, I couldn’t. The button wouldn’t work or the deer would smush his nose into the lens. The deer walked further down the step that’s connected to the deck. I went back inside to look for my friend and found her still on the phone, in her room, wearing a pink shirt.  What. The. Fuck?!  When I woke up, I realized that the animal wasn’t a deer, but a goat with sand-colored fur. He had no horns.

So… Anyone care to take a guess on what this dream means? I’m still trying to work it out!


Has anyone tried Reiki before? If so, what did you think?