Show Me the L-O-V-E

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. Whether I am single or in a relationship makes no difference – I think Valentine’s Day is complete and utter bullshit. Can someone explain to me why we need a designated ‘love’ day? Should we not show our partner the love all year round, without being prompted to do so? Are we so busy throughout the year, that the only free time we have to show that love, is on February 14th? Here are a few things I think of when the term ‘Valentine’s Day’ comes up:

– First of all, who came up with the term ‘Valentine’? Was it Charlie Brown? Why ‘Valentine’s Day’ and not, say, ‘Cupid’s Day?’ Isn’t Cupid that little flying bastard with the bow and arrow? Would this not be a more appropriate name for this ‘holiday?’ Prepare to duck – Cupid is flying around ready to shoot you in the ass with his love arrow! Caution: the love wears off within 24 hours and will not be seen again for another 364 days.

– Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. If it were a holiday then I would get a day off work. It is not a special day. Were it special, I could skip work altogether. Now that would be showing me the L-O-V-E.

– Anyone ever notice how the acronym for ‘Valentine’s Day’ is VD? Venereal Disease, anyone? Just sayin’…

– Who decided that chocolate was the universal VD gift? I can buy chocolate every damn day if I want to; I can pick up Ferrero at Wal-Mart, Kit Kat at the drug store, Reese’s PB Cups at the gas station. Hell, I can get Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store. Do you really think that buying me chocolate is that special? Dude, for real. Get me a new router for my Mac, or a spa getaway, or some Sweet Love KUSMI tea – or a gift certificate to Lululemon. I can buy my own chocolate and at least then I’ll get the kind I actually like.

– Please don’t get me any of that heart-shaped candy;  if you love me, then tell me you love me, fool! Saying ‘I love You’ or ‘Be Mine’ on a piece of candy means your love has an expiration date – as soon as I put it in my mouth, the love is gone. Duh?

– I do not wish to be publicly humiliated. Please don’t take me to a restaurant on February 14th and force me to sit amidst red and pink balloons, in a place that’s overdosing on VD decorations. I also don’t  want to eat chocolate fettuccine, nor do I wish to share a special love menu for two. I want me own seafood dish, and I want my chocolate in dessert form, thank you very much.

– To those of you who insist on demonstrating the love that you feel for each other in my presence – please get a room. February 14th doesn’t get you a free pass to publicly display how hot you are for each other. Perhaps you should consider going to one of those cheap motels that have heart-shaped, vibrating beds instead. Then you can have your love-in undisturbed. As in, you won’t disturb me or any other innocent bystander.

– I’ll take the flowers, thank you. But I prefer Gerber daisies and lilies. Save the red rose crap for someone else. Who invented that rule anyway? And why must the roses be red? Why can’t they be pink? White? Yellow? Black? What if your girlfriend hates roses? What if she’s allergic? Break the rules man!

– Obviously our musical tastes differ. Significantly. If you ever play Rod Stewart’s The Way You Look Tonight or Chris de Burgh’s Lady in Red for me again, this relationship is OVER.

 
Let’s face it – Valentine’s Day is just one big marketing scheme contrived to make poor suckers spend their money on shit they don’t need. Like Christmas, it is commercial and not about the love at all. It’s about ‘proving’ your love to your partner by buying them useless shit. So – for those of you who celebrate V-Day, what do you usually do? Do we like or dislike V-Day and why? Discuss.

 

 

Image: Krapsody.com

 

 

Communication Etiquette a.k.a Get a Clue

Question: Do they still teach language classes in school? What about English Literature or basic writing classes? They do? Really? In English AND French? Wow, could’ve fooled me!

Perhaps it’s because I have a degree in English literature or that I’ve taken journalism classes, or maybe it’s simply that I can spell – but I fail to see why people can’t take the time to speak or write properly anymore. I frequently receive emails and text messages from people who couldn’t spell properly or formulate a thought if their lives depended on it and this annoys the crap out of me. For those of you who are in need of a refresher on how to write, here’s some basic communication etiquette.

 

1- When sending emails, try greeting the recipient. A simple ‘hi’ will do. You might want to sign your emails as well – we’re supposed to be living in a civilized society, aren’t we? If you ran into a friend  on the street, would you skip the greetings and jump right into how miserable your life is? I think not.

2- Please refrain from using CAPs unnecessarily. It’s annoying and aggravating to receive an email that is over-populated with capitalized words. This comes off as arrogant and makes the recipient feel like they’re being yelled at, or indirectly being called an idiot. You’re the idiot for using all CAPs! Furthermore, lay off the bolding and underlining because that has the same effect as CAPs. If I can read, I can likely figure out what you’re trying to tell me without all the additional hoopla.

3- Those red squiggly lines that show up under your words? They magically appear to identify spelling mistakes. Ta-da! Why don’t you try using Spell Check once in a while and correct those damn mistakes before hitting ‘Send?!’

4- Once and for all, PLEASE learn the difference between ‘its‘ and ‘it’s‘, ‘your‘ and ‘you’re‘, ‘there‘, ‘their‘, and ‘they’re‘! Damn it people! Were you not educated in grade school? This is basic knowledge!

5- If you’re sending an email to colleagues, please cut the acronym bullshit. It’s fine to use certain acronyms if these are used company-wide, but other then that, no go. Save that for your personal communication and learn how to spell out complete words. How much time are you really saving by abbreviating everything anyway?

6- Similar to the above, there are way too many acronyms in use right now. Please don’t start creating your own because then I have to try and figure out what the hell WWEO means and if I can’t figure it out, I’ll have to ask you what it means.  This will defeat the purpose of ‘shortening’ your words to save time because you’ll then have to explain their meaning to me. In addition to this, by the time you figure out the abbreviation for what you want to tell me, you could’ve written out the full word(s), sent the email and have my reply already.

7- Punctuate! Please, I implore you! The period was created for a reason: so that I wouldn’t have to read your run-on sentences and disorganized thoughts and try to make sense of them. If I need to re-read your email five times to figure out what you’re saying, there’s a problem. So in addition to punctuating, re-read your emails before sending them. If you can’t understand them then the odds of me understanding them are pretty slim.

8- If you send me an email and it doesn’t bounce back, it’s safe to say that I received it. Therefore, stop resending me the fucking email! I’ll respond to you when I get around to it damn it!

9- If I send you an email containing some kind of important information that you are ultimately responsible for, then file it so that you have it on hand when you need it. Don’t expect me to dig through my shit and resend it to you multiple times just because you’re too fucking lazy to look for it yourself. I have better things to do with my time.

10- Run-on sentences and fragment sentences; first, I don’t want to read a novel – get to the point and remember to punctuate. Secondly, speak to me in full sentences, not code. Express yourself coherently – I’m not a mind reader! Find the balance between run-on sentences and fragment sentences. You will be a better person for it.

11- How many times have I asked you not to forward me your stupid jokes and chain letters? I do not read any emails where the subject line begins with FW or FWD. I don’t read them – I delete them. Stop it!

Got pet peeves to share? Comment below! And for those of you who are still a little grammatically challenged, take a trip on down to Sesame Street – Cookie Monster can help!

 

Oh So Buff (Fitness Etiquette)

Etiquette for fitness buffs:

Smell-Impaired: Please, I beg of you – lift your ban on deodorant. If you can’t smell yourself, rest assured that the rest of us can smell you from a mile away. You might want to consider visiting an ENT because there is obviously something wrong with your sense of smell. And perhaps you should take a shower before you work out. With lots of soap.

Sweaters: You go hand-in-hand with the smell-impaired gym members.  Do you think it’s attractive to walk around the gym wearing a shirt that’s drenched in your own sweat? Perhaps you don’t think that you smell. I am here to tell you that you stink to high heaven!  Is it that difficult to bring a back-up shirt that you can change into following your cardio work-out? Frankly, I’m not too keen on smelling you or using any fitness equipment that you’ve touched before me.

Hogs: OK look. There’s a sign-up sheet for a reason – to limit how long a person can use cardio equipment. It is not my problem if you got on your machine late – I signed up for 30 damn minutes and I fully intend to climb stairs for those 30 minutes. If you can’t respect the cut-off then don’t use the cardio equipment. Furthermore, don’t give me dirty looks, or a disgruntled sigh when I politely ask you if you’re almost done. There’s a clock right in front of you and I’d also like to mention that all cardio equipment have built-in timers. Lastly, no, I will not use another machine. I signed up for #34 and #34 is what I’m going to use. Why? Because I like #34!

I’m in a hurry: That’s nice. But I’m using the leg press right now and no, we can’t alternate sets because I press 90 pounds and you press 300. Changing plates in-between sets will take me more time to finish my sets and guess what? I’m in a hurry too.

Messy Weights: If you feel the need to walk and train, can you please place the weights back where you got them so I don’t have to waste 10 minutes of my time searching for that elusive 15-pound dumbbell? There’s an entire section dedicated to weight training – leave the weights where they belong. I already did my cardio and have no desire to run laps around the gym looking for one dumbbell!

Barely dressed: Do you see any sand or water? No? That’s because the gym is not a beach, so how about you cover your ass up with a decent pair of pants? That means you too boys! I don’t need to see your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts or your butt crack when I work out.  Same thing goes for the boobage.

Special note to hot yoga chick: While it is recommended that you wear as little as possible when attending a Moksha or Bikram class, I don’t think going braless is what they meant. No one wants to see your boobs swinging in Down Dog dude.

Eyeballers: What I enjoy the most about working out in a gym, is being eyeballed by some random person. I didn’t realize I was performing for an audience.

The Situation(s): Look at me! I can lift 800 pounds! I’m shaped like a light bulb but DUDE look at my abs!

Testosterone City: Is it necessary for all Popeye T-Shirt wearing muscle heads to commune in the weight training area, leaving no one else with the opportunity to weight train? All you care about is your pecs – so just commune around the pec machine and we’ll call it a day.

Etiquette for Gym Staff: As you’ll see, the “trainers” at my gym are lazy asses – and super motivating!

1) Here’s a novel idea: try greeting your gym members when they walk through the door. Smiling helps.

2) If you see that someone isn’t working out correctly or doesn’t have proper form, it’s your job to correct them. Do you realize that improper form can lead to injury? Furthermore, if you know that an exercise will yield better results if performed differently, get off your lazy ass and share that knowledge.  It’s your responsibility to help your members achieve their goals isn’t it?

3) If you’re not interested in the health and well-being of your client(s) at least pretend that you are. Most people who are starting out are nervous and self-conscious – showing a little empathy and listening to their objectives might make them feel better.

4) Following point #3 – not everyone has the same objective, body type or health constraints. Assess the individual instead of automatically pulling out one of your stupid generic work-outs!

5) Lose the attitude. Most of you don’t even have the proper certification or knowledge to train properly. That’s why I create my own programs!

6) There is nothing I find more motivating then seeing a ‘trainer’ who is overweight. Better yet, a gym manager who is overweight. This is what we all aspire to!

Adventures in the Loo

I fail to comprehend the logic behind using your cell phone while in the bathroom. No really; this chick walked into the bathroom chattering away, headed into a stall, presumably unzipped, did her business, re-zipped and came back out to wash her hands, all while talking on the phone. Wow, that must have been an important call. My immediate thought was “Eww, she touched her phone! Gross!” I can only imagine what the person at the other end of the line thought, as her friend tinkled:

Person on other end: “Um, are you in the bathroom or something?!”

The Tinkler <feigning innocence>: “No of course not… why would you think THAT?

And then the automatic flusher goes off… on all 10 toilets.

Try denying it now lady.