The Invisible Post & Jabba the Hut

Before I write today’s post, let me vent about the fact that it was already written – operative words: “was” and “written.” The post was completed yesterday while on the train, and was saved diligently (multiple times) to ensure that the fruits of my blog labor would be safeguarded against accidental deletion.  As I sat myself down last night, ready to transfer the post into WordPress, I came to the shocking realization that the ass of a CrackBerry had eaten my post. Yes, that is correct people – today’s original post was sent into the big black Internet hole courtesy of the AsscrackBerry and/or the shitty GMail app – I haven’t decided which of the two is the bigger asshole yet, but I’m sure they are both equally responsible for the demise of my post.  In any event, I need to sit myself down and re-write the original post, but can only do so when inspiration strikes me once more.  In the absence of said post, I present you with the following true story…  A word of caution: I am not exactly kind in my description of certain events but you may attribute this to the fact that certain people pissed me the F off before 8 a.m. You have been warned – but don’t hold it against me.

As you likely know from reading this blog, I seem to be frequently plagued with interesting situations that I sometimes feel, must only happen to me. I’m convinced that these are the Universe’s way of testing not only my patience, but my mental capacity toward stupidity as well.  Truth be told, it’s probably a real miracle that I haven’t gone Hobo with a Shotgun on more then one occasion as a result of the self-entitled assholes that I encounter more often then I would like. But hey – who wants to spend time in jail for ridding the world of stupid A-Holes?

This morning I woke up before the alarm – another miracle. I got ready for work, had time for breakfast (this is no small feat) and headed off to the train station. When I arrived at Central Station, I bee-lined for the coffee shop that I frequent every day, got my coffee and headed over to the leather chair ‘section.’ As is my custom. I sat down by the fireplace, put my bag on the chair next to me, pulled out my book and plugged myself into the Pod. All was well with the world until Jabba the Hut showed up. I see Jabba on a regular basis and each time that I do, I think a few things: 1) Dude needs to lose weight and fast, 2) He really needs to stop stuffing his face with pastries and danishes before he pops, and 3) It wouldn’t hurt to join a gym. I mean look, the guy looks like an unhealthy slob, end of story. Does that mean he’s not a nice guy? Normally I would say no, but today is not that day.  Fast forward to a few minutes after Turdtastic arrives (err, that would be Jabba to you people) – when his equally plumptastic daughter shows up; she storms in like Rasputia on BBQ ribs (y’all need to check out Norbit if this reference means nothing to you) and slams her shit down on the chair that has my laptop bag on it. No, no people – I’m not exaggerating. There was no civility or delicacy in her actions whatsoever. So I look up as she walks away. Generally, I don’t care if someone puts their bag or coat on the same chair as my stuff, but today was not that day either.

Plumptastic returns from her pastry run (obviously) and with the grace of an elephant, throws herself directly onto my laptop bag. No shit people. She does not ask me if I can move my bag, or if I might be waiting for someone, or if she can sit down. She just deposits her over-sized big ass, onto my shit. It is quite possible that there was steam coming out of my ears at this point but I’m not sure. I grabbed my bag and yanked it out from under her fat ass and informed her that NEXT TIME, she might want to ask before sitting her ass down on someone else’s belongings. Admittedly, my sharp wit was a bit slow this morning because normally, there would be a lot more punch to whatever came out of my mouth. Anyway. I guess Jabba was talking to me because I kept hearing some kind of babbling in the background but Plumpy’s ass was in my way so I couldn’t see him. When I popped my head around said ass, I observed Jabba mouthing something to me. So I take out one headphone and say “Excuse me?” Jabba then has the balls to ask me if there’s a problem. “Yeah there’s a PROBLEM! Civilized human beings typically ask before sitting their asses down on other people’s belongings.” Jabba then starts to give me a lecture about bags not belong on chairs, which was cut short by the fact that I popped my headphone back in for the simple reason that I didn’t give a shit.  There are many things I could’ve told Turdtastic Jabba – like pastries don’t belong in his mouth.  I could’ve told Jabba to get off his high horse, but I suspect he’s not allowed to mount one due to existing animal cruelty laws. Has anyone every seen a legless horse before?  So I will say this: take your sense of entitlement and shove it up your ass. Perhaps you and your unhealthy daughter should consider joining a gym and working out each  morning, instead of harassing people about the bags-on-chair ban.  Also, nice way to lead by example…. DAD (Uh, to be clear, we’re not talking about my dad).

 

Idiot of the Month – Winner!

Because truly, I personally don’t think I’ll encounter anyone as moronic as this guy in the two remaining weeks of March. That said, if you meet someone who surpasses this guy’s level of idiocy, please alert me ASAP!

An acquaintance of mine who, for all intents and purposes, still believes that there are decent men to be met via the online dating community (is she nuts?), forwarded this to me a few days ago. As you know from this post and this post, I think online dating is complete and utter bullshit. This “profile” only reinforces that belief and serves to prove my point – that single men utilizing online dating web sites, are single for a REASON. Wake up assholes! For any men reading this post, I’m not saying that this level of stupidity and arrogance is strictly reserved for men – but I’m writing from a female perspective and I write based on feedback that I’ve received from women. Feel free to jump in if you’ve encountered your own version of female-craziness via the online dating world, otherwise known as ‘The Zoo.’ I would love to hear what you have to say.

In order to preserve this guy’s stupidity and arrogance (and his inability to write cohesively), I have not modified or edited this text in any way. After all, it’s only fair that he be portrayed as the loser that he is, right? In addition, I have removed any inferences to the web site in question, and any identifying features that would lead you to this guy – after all, I don’t want to get sued. Lastly, for your reading pleasure, I have provided my commentary here and there –  be sure to read all the way down!

THIS SITE IS HILARIOUS! … gotta luv the online dating scene! [RAnnDomized: So why are you on a dating web site loser?Did you think it was a comedy club?]

Few things I just have to say:

#1) IF THE PICTURES YOU POST ARE NOT ACTUALLY YOU…. YOU DON’T NEED A BOYFRIEND, YOU NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST!!! [RAnnDomized: Really? Have you seen your picture lately? You look like a fucking hobo! That said, men are just as guilty of posting fake photos, or photos of themselves taken 20 years ago as women are. And BTW, inappropriate use of exclamation points…!!!!!!!]

#2) EVERY BODY I KNOW IS ON THIS SITE… [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah? How many bodies do you know? And more importantly, are they alive? I guess if every ‘body’ you know is on ‘this’ site, then you must know of lot of assholes.] NOT ONE OF THEM WILL ACTUALLY ADMIT IT!!! REMEMBER IF YOU FOUND ME ON HERE, ITS ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE ON HERE YOURSELF! LOL… FUNNY WHEN I GET “OMG YOUR ON X”… AAAAAAA AND SO ARE YOU! DUH!!! [RAnnDomized: Can you fucking learn the difference between ‘your‘ & ‘you’re‘ and ‘its‘ & ‘it’s‘ !? Also, if you’re trying to demonstrate shock or surprise, try using “Ah!” instead of multiple uses of the letter ‘A.’ Duh?]

#3) WOMAN IF YOU HAVE A KID, EXCEPT THE “MILF” TITLE WITH PRIDE LOL and disclose it where it clearly states “have children? PUT YES or at least PREFER NOT TO SAY!!!” [RAnnDomized: Right, because every single mother with a kid will by default, appeal to idiots like you. Lucky them!  And BTW, if I “have a kid except the MILF title”… really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Take a dictionary next time you’re trying to sound intelligent. You obviously need to invest in one.] A real man will love you and your kid!!! [RAnnDomized: A ‘real’ man wouldn’t write this bullshit profile, or assume that every mother with a single kid should be dumped into the bogus category of MILF.]

#4) Last time I checked “dating” meant drinks/dinner/coffee/lounge that kind of thing… if we are on a date I SHOULD be able to actually touch you! [RAnnDomized: Really? When was the last time you checked? Since when does dating equivocate being manhandled by fuckers like you? If you’re on a date with a girl, you’re entitled to SEE her, not touch her dumbass.] SINCE WHEN DID DATING BECOME ENDLESS EMAIL MESSAGES, TEXT MESSAGES, BLACK BERRY MESSAGES, MSN AND TELEPHONE CONVO’S TIL WEE HRS OF THE NIGHT!?!?!? [RAnnDomized: Since you joined The Zoo, you useless idiot!] Hilarious I have had girls I connected with off this site who have wanted to have phone sex with me :s yet not willing to even meet up for a coffee lol… is this what the world has become? Not into cyber sex ladies, and dont need a digital girl friend- ALREADY HAVE ENUFF LOL 😛 [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah, I’m sure you have ‘enuff’ digital girlfriends – in the form of Avatars. Or perhaps jacked up animated characters that live in your alternate reality, AKA the video games that you play because you can’t get a date with a real woman.]

#5) Putting half naked pics wont get you a boyfriend… it will get you a broken heart! [RAnnDomized: Oh yeah? Well posting pics of your random body parts will get YOU fuck all. Why? Because you’re an obnoxious moron who assumes most women are like you – interested in the superficiality of big fucking biceps and hot rods. In addition, woman who post half-naked pics of themselves are probably doing so to emphasize that a loser like YOU, will never be able to date them. Just thought I’d point that out.] Unless your a lil pornostar like most girls these days which in that case your profession should say “escort”… oh wait, that would mean you at least get PAID for your services!!! [RAnnDomized: Is this guy for real? Since when did women become default porn stars simply because they decided to try online dating? Hey dumbass – you’re the first one to ask for a full body shot when you message a chick, so spare me the fake compassion and get off your Hugh Hefner horse!] lol Secondly, do any of you woman actually want thousands of dead beat loser guys [RAnnDomized: You mean like you?] messaging you “YOUR SEXY”??? [RAnnDomized: My sexy what?]The real HOTTIES already know they are hot and hearing “YOUR HOT or SEXY PIC” is the last thing a beautiful woman wants to hear on here or in person!!! Any man who has actually dated a hot girl WOULD know that!!! [RAnnDomized: I guess that rules you out because no woman I know would waste her time chatting with you, much less gracing you with her presence in real life.]

#6) THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL ON HERE WHO I GUARANTEE SHARE MY SAME FEELINGS… Who the heck creates the “MATCHES” list?!?!?!?!? I’d be better off registering on a “Russian rent a bride” site before settling for 99% of the ppl they put on my list lol..
[RAnnDomized: You’d be better off getting a life – comb your hair, get an education and hey – get a job while you’re at it! You’re getting shitty matches because you’re an asshole! Haven’t figured that out yet?]

I’m sure I will come up with “NEW” things to add but for now I think I ranted enough….[RAnnDomized: Please, spare those poor women the aggravation of your stupidity. You’re an asshole – no one cares what you have to say, particularly when you can’t properly formulate a thought, nor can you spell. Did I mention that you’re an asshole?]

For the record, I didn’t come on here to find the love of my life, to seek a serious relationship, or search for a new girlfriend! [RAnnDomised: Uh… OK? Then why did you join The Zoo? Is this your weak attempt at reverse psychology? Think women will beat down your door with THIS profile?] Dont get me wrong, never turn down a hot date [RAnnDomised: I’m sure that would be true if you could actually get one.] lol but not looking to skip any steps or rush into anything serious as my mind/focus [RAnnDomised: You have a mind?] is on my financial future. I want to be that MAN who can provide for his family and ensure his children don’t have to endure the stress and obstacles I have!!! [RAnnDomised: Yes, being born stupid is quite the obstacle to overcome, especially when it follows you into your adult life.] I always been the guy taking care of everybody else around me and neglecting to satisfy my own needs, wants and desires! Right now, im doing ME! [RAnnDomised: Oh yeah? And how does it feel to be doing yourself because no decent woman will?] Come to believe that if you want to find the one- BE THE ONE! One cannot do that without time, energy and sacrifice but unfortunately most girls I have dated lately fail to understand that! [RAnnDomized: Riiiiight. Whatever dude.]

About me? A sweet genuine soul with ambitions beyond most ppl’s wildest imagination. [RAnnDomized: No, you are an arrogant asshole. There’s a big difference.]

I love to create and develop; friendships, partnerships, investment portfolios, muscles lol, but most importantly memories and experience! [RAnnDomised: Well yes, because muscles are the key to every relationship.]

I’ve always believed; we get not what we want and wish for but what we deserve!
[RAnnDomised: So if I want a Big Mac, I won’t get it unless the universe decides that I’m worthy enough?]

Therefore I leave this profile here to put myself out there while I continue to work endlessly on the dreams and ambitions I do have control over!
[RAnnDomised: Must be nice to live in your delusional world. I guess your profile is going to be up for a very, very, VERY long time.]

Love? not something that can be found, can only be developed so cheers to developing new friendships and the magic that can come from one!

[RAnnDomised: Maybe you should look for it at the bottom of a pint glass.]

 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day y’all! 


Show Me the L-O-V-E

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. Whether I am single or in a relationship makes no difference – I think Valentine’s Day is complete and utter bullshit. Can someone explain to me why we need a designated ‘love’ day? Should we not show our partner the love all year round, without being prompted to do so? Are we so busy throughout the year, that the only free time we have to show that love, is on February 14th? Here are a few things I think of when the term ‘Valentine’s Day’ comes up:

– First of all, who came up with the term ‘Valentine’? Was it Charlie Brown? Why ‘Valentine’s Day’ and not, say, ‘Cupid’s Day?’ Isn’t Cupid that little flying bastard with the bow and arrow? Would this not be a more appropriate name for this ‘holiday?’ Prepare to duck – Cupid is flying around ready to shoot you in the ass with his love arrow! Caution: the love wears off within 24 hours and will not be seen again for another 364 days.

– Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. If it were a holiday then I would get a day off work. It is not a special day. Were it special, I could skip work altogether. Now that would be showing me the L-O-V-E.

– Anyone ever notice how the acronym for ‘Valentine’s Day’ is VD? Venereal Disease, anyone? Just sayin’…

– Who decided that chocolate was the universal VD gift? I can buy chocolate every damn day if I want to; I can pick up Ferrero at Wal-Mart, Kit Kat at the drug store, Reese’s PB Cups at the gas station. Hell, I can get Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store. Do you really think that buying me chocolate is that special? Dude, for real. Get me a new router for my Mac, or a spa getaway, or some Sweet Love KUSMI tea – or a gift certificate to Lululemon. I can buy my own chocolate and at least then I’ll get the kind I actually like.

– Please don’t get me any of that heart-shaped candy;  if you love me, then tell me you love me, fool! Saying ‘I love You’ or ‘Be Mine’ on a piece of candy means your love has an expiration date – as soon as I put it in my mouth, the love is gone. Duh?

– I do not wish to be publicly humiliated. Please don’t take me to a restaurant on February 14th and force me to sit amidst red and pink balloons, in a place that’s overdosing on VD decorations. I also don’t  want to eat chocolate fettuccine, nor do I wish to share a special love menu for two. I want me own seafood dish, and I want my chocolate in dessert form, thank you very much.

– To those of you who insist on demonstrating the love that you feel for each other in my presence – please get a room. February 14th doesn’t get you a free pass to publicly display how hot you are for each other. Perhaps you should consider going to one of those cheap motels that have heart-shaped, vibrating beds instead. Then you can have your love-in undisturbed. As in, you won’t disturb me or any other innocent bystander.

– I’ll take the flowers, thank you. But I prefer Gerber daisies and lilies. Save the red rose crap for someone else. Who invented that rule anyway? And why must the roses be red? Why can’t they be pink? White? Yellow? Black? What if your girlfriend hates roses? What if she’s allergic? Break the rules man!

– Obviously our musical tastes differ. Significantly. If you ever play Rod Stewart’s The Way You Look Tonight or Chris de Burgh’s Lady in Red for me again, this relationship is OVER.

 
Let’s face it – Valentine’s Day is just one big marketing scheme contrived to make poor suckers spend their money on shit they don’t need. Like Christmas, it is commercial and not about the love at all. It’s about ‘proving’ your love to your partner by buying them useless shit. So – for those of you who celebrate V-Day, what do you usually do? Do we like or dislike V-Day and why? Discuss.

 

 

Image: Krapsody.com

 

 

Windows 0 | Mac 100

After using Windows for a number of years, I finally migrated over to Mac last month. Let’s be honest – while I’m certainly not what you would call an aficionado when it comes to computers and operating systems, I do use a computer on a daily basis and reckon I know a thing or two about how they work. Unfortunately, every company that I’ve ever worked for has operated on different variations of Windows – Win98, NT, XP, Vista and so on, which has been the bane of my professional existence for longer then I care to remember. There’s just no getting away from MicroShit. Well, as a result of my new-found relationship with Mactop, I’ve spent the last month geekily salivating over the wonder that is Mac/ Snow Leopard. Heck, I spend half my time stroking Mactop’s aluminum casing, it is just THAT awesome. I write this today, to encourage all you PC users to come out of the darkness and into the apple-shaped light!

 

Etiquette for Winblows:

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Boot up if you can hear me… is there anyone home?:
OK, can someone explain to me why it takes almost 10 minutes to boot up my laptop? I mean, are we still living in the technologically challenged dark ages? It’s not like I’m running programs for NASA over here! Hell, even when my laptop was new, it still took as long to load. I suppose if Windows didn’t require 500 sub-applications in order to function, we might get somewhere faster. Mac? I press the button and voilà – the damn machine is on and ready to go.  

Return to Sender:
If booting up the machine isn’t aggravating enough, I also have to wait at least 5 additional minutes for Outlook to load. Once it decides to connect to the server, I then have to wait an additional three minutes for it to get out of the freeze zone and start downloading my emails. Bloody hell. It’s OK – I’m not in a hurry or anything. I only have 50 emails marked ‘urgent’ to action but you just take your sweet time. My solution to problems #1 and #2: I never shut down the machine. I don’t close Outlook nor do I power off the laptop. That way, I don’t have to wait half a year to get shit done.

A Snail’s Pace:
But wait, I’m not done (she squeals with glee)! Once OE has exited the freeze zone, it needs about 15 seconds to download each email. That’s right people – 15 seconds per email, and that’s if no attachments are involved! To re-quote myself: Bloody HELL. But wait, it’s still not over! While downloading my emails, Outlook spontaneously decides to take a break – so it goes into freeze mode and taunts me until I have no other choice but to shut the damn thing down. Great, now I have to start the process all over again! And let’s not forget that Outlook has these mood swings several times a day.  I am convinced Windows was created just to test my patience.

Click. Repeat. Click. Repeat. REPEAT! FUCK!: I can try to reload Outlook until the damn cows come home – it ain’t gonna happen. In order to get Outlook working again, I have to reboot the machine <sigh>. For. Real. This process is extremely efficient, isn’t it? And so it begins, the great battle of my time. Or at least, of my morning. Where are those Orks when you need them?

Intermission: At this point, I’ve already spent an hour just booting up (and rebooting!) the damn machine, and downloading emails. Efficiency at its best!

Ground Control to Major Tom: One of my new favorite things involves working on rush projects that require manual data manipulation in Exel or SPSS. My favorite part of this task is when I’m DONE. When I can finally save that bigass file that I’ve spent an hour working on. You should know that I really dislike data.  It is at this exact moment that Windows chooses to drop me from my WiFi connection. Tabarnac! Thanks to Winblows’ inability to multitask (God forbid it expel me from wifi AND ask me if I want to save the damn file I’m about to lose), I will have to start the aforementioned task all over again!  And if that weren’t enough, the only way that I can reconnect to wireless is to reboot the fuckin’ machine. It is at this point that I start pounding on the desk in an agitated manner. My reaction is commonly referred to as having a shit fit. And for good reason!

Peek-A-B00 Where Are You?: Sub-folders. Need I say more? With Mac, I need only apply some logic: If I were file X, where would I be? Well, if it were ME, I would save file X in folder X. Click folder X and tada! There’s my file! No labyrinthian bullshit like Windows.

Attack!: I couldn’t find an accurate count for the number of known viruses that affect Windows, but I can tell you that they significantly outnumber those that target Mac. Who here hasn’t been the victim of a Windows virus at least once, if not multiple times? Assholes!

I’m sure that there are plenty of issues I haven’t addressed in this post but let’s face it – I don’t have time to write a book on the joys of Windows. So dear readers and fellow Winblows users, what are some of your PC-related pet peeves? And if you’re on Mac, what are some of the things you like the most? Do you prefer PC to Mac?

 

 

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Etiquette for the Online Stalker. Err, Dater…

Personally, I’m not a fan of online dating and I have very little interest in going down that road. I prefer to meet men naturally – in a coffee shop, in HMV, walking down the street. To me, dating sites are the online version of a meat market, though be it a much larger, more viral one. I’ve had a few conversations recently with friends and acquaintances who opted to try the online dating scene; based on their feedback, I had enough material to put together a brand new etiquette post – for all those guys out there who think they’re the online shit. In order to write this in the first person, I had to put myself in my friends’ shoes, and then conjure up my inner b*tch for effect 😀

Not Hooked on Phonics: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! If you’re trying to impress someone online, whether they be man, woman or animal, and you opt to email or IM that person, how about you get off your lazy ass and: 1) use full sentences, 2) use proper spelling, 3) throw in a little punctuation for good measure? Unless the recipient of your email/IM is as daft (or lazy) as you are, you ain’t impressing nobody.

To All the Illiterates I’ve Never Loved Before (and likely never will): Dear Smoker and father to nine children, if you read my profile prior to initiating contact with me, you would know that I don’t date smokers, nor do I want kids – not mine or anyone else’s. You would also know that unlike you, I am not a fan of Enrique Iglesias or Leona Lewis. I like Nine Inch Nails and Led Zepplin. Still think we’re a match made in heaven? Read the damn profile first! You’ll save yourself and your victims a lot of time.

The Invisible Font Phenomenon
: Here’s what’s going to happen – you’re going to send me an email with ‘Hi’ in the subject. You won’t write anything else in that email – not one damn word! I will then proceed to delete your email because your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to write anything useful in said email. Tip: If you don’t want to write, then stick to IMs, where it’s acceptable not to write full sentences or use punctuation, and keep your questions/responses to a four-word minimum.

Stalktastic: Listen dumbass – if you email me and I don’t respond, there might be a reason. Like, you’re not my type, we don’t share the same interests, or you look like a stalker. Please don’t IM me – if I didn’t respond to your email it’s not because I’m playing hard to get – it’s because I’m not interested. I will proceed to reject your incoming IM. Do not follow that up with another fucking email! Also, if you email me every time I log on, it will soon become apparent that you’re stalking me! Stop it!

Ignorance is Bliss: To further elaborate on the above point – if I don’t respond to your email, it means I’m not interested. Stop sending me follow-up emails to tell me that I’m a rude b*tch I am for not responding to you. Get over yourself – you’re not my fucking type! Dude, move on!

Going To the Chapel: I know this is difficult to comprehend – but not every single woman in her thirties wants to get married. At least not within five minutes of chatting with you. Chill OUT. Similarly, don’t invite me to dinner at your place or ask me to come over and show you how to do yoga – I don’t know you and I may never want to know you beyond this chat window!

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words: OK, here’s what doesn’t impress a girl: Pictures of you on or in your car/ truck/ motorcycle/ boat/ ATV – if you’re that attached to your vehicle then maybe you should date it. Pictures of you with no shirt on, wearing only your boxers/briefs/Speedos, working out or posing, or pictures of your random body parts. If you like yourself that much, then just date yourself – I’m sure the two of you will be very happy together. And lastly, pictures of you with your ex-wife/ ex-girlfriend – honestly, why the hell would you even post those when you’re trying to win over a chick?

Words Are Worth 1000 Words: Look, if you can’t carry a conversation via chat, my guess is you can’t carry one in real life either.  If you sound like an idiot when you type, no one will want to meet you. Furthermore, please cut the attempts at intellectual bullshit – trying to appear ‘philosophical’ or mysterious just confuses you and everyone else because half the time, you make no damn sense. Just talk!

I Think Therefore I Am: Maybe if you were more creative, you’d get more hits. Openers like “I might be the one you’re looking for,” “You won’t be disappointed” or “Looking for the one” are so incredibly generic – there are about 10,000 other guys using the exact same line. Try a little originality why don’t you.

Have any of you checked out the online dating scene? If so, what was your experience like? And for those of you haven’t, what do you think about this way of meeting members of the opposite sex?

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