iLike

Walking behind smokers. There’s nothing I like more than following a billowing smoke signal and inhaling fresh cancer-inducing toxins. Awesome! They should totally bottle that shit up and sell it!

Macho, macho men, who suddenly increase their volume at the sight of a hot chick (for the purposes of this exercise, we’ll refer to the hot chick as me). I also find it SUPER appealing when said (lascivious) men repeat their crap over and over, thinking this makes them seem smart and attractive (or possibly, they think I’m deaf). You look like an orangutan with mental problems, dude.

Pausing to let someone exit a building, and having that person nonchalantly let the door slam in my face rather than holding it open. Really? You were a foot away from me – did you temporarily go blind or did your big fat fucking ego swallow you up? Either way, you’re an asshole. But I can’t wait to let you slam the door in my face again!

Egocentric knobs who feel the need to quote “policy” to me on shit I can recite backwards and forwards. Honey, PLEASE. Isn’t it apparent yet that I can see beyond your mask of ineptitude and inefficiency? Don’t be quoting me that bullshit – if you want to reference policy, you might want to make sure you know what you’re talking about. Mofo.

Train she-assholes who elbow me in the back of the head. Repeatedly. WTF do you think you keep hitting, you obnoxious, self-absorbed beeOTCH? This is the problem with today’s society – everyone is too self-absorbed, and feels too self-entitled to pause and acknowledge the existence of others. Must be nice to live in a bubble. Guess that explains it: there’s not enough oxygen reaching your brain.

Accidentally buying solid milk and dark chocolate Easter bunnies at Laura Secord. First – I hate Laura Secord chocolate, and second, I’m SURE the wrapper(s) said MARSHMALLOW! Damn it. That’s all I wanted for Easter – one chocolate-covered marshmallow animal. Life is tough, man.

I don’t like:

Beautiful sunny days. I mean come on, who needs all this sun? And warmer temperatures? Please! Give me -30 damn it! I want to freeze my ass off and wear four layers of clothing!

The woman at Murale repeatedly calling me “beautiful girl.” Just because I have beautiful eyes and gorgeous eyelashes does NOT give you the right to compliment me. How dare you!

John-boy holding the door for me at Indigo, and telling me I’m the only person he would hold the door open for. Am I suppose to thank you for your chivalrous ways or something? I can hold the door open myself – I am a liberated woman!

John-boy’s colleague greeting me with joy, and hugging me before I left – AND telling me not to buy an e-Reader because I must continue to stop in at Indigo because they like to see me. Ugh, all this love is making me sick. What’s wrong with people?

Not being harassed on the train. Everyone should know by now that I LOVE train assholes and I love being harassed and abused by said assholes.

Having time to practice yoga. Seriously – do you think I prefer yoga to stress? Um, NO – stress totally makes me happy and I love it! I’m convinced being super stressed out and wanting to beat the shit out of certain inept people helps me to burn calories. Fuck yoga and meditation – bring on the heart-attack inducing stress!

And that’s what I like to call a reverse-etiquette post.

PS: To my new readers, I’m sarcastic. In case that wasn’t obvious 😀

Happy weekend dudes and dudettes!

Etify Me

So many people have been harassing me for a new Etiquette post that I just couldn’t put it off any longer (you’re welcome Jill). Now, I usually have a theme when I write these, but this one is going to be a mish-mash of random observations and “suggestions.”

Your crotch/ My face:

To the crotch-jamming chick I encountered on (you guessed it) the train yesterday: As much as I like getting to know new people, I’m not particularly interested in having you stick your crotch in my face at 7 in the morning (or at any other time of the day for that matter). If this is something you’re keen on doing, might I suggest changing career paths and getting a job in a strip joint or perhaps, a brothel. Or if you’re lucky, you might be able to find a Crotch-Jammers Anonymous group to help you with your problem. #trainassholes

Mirror Mirror (is broken):

To the men who think working out their upper bodies and ignoring their lower bodies is cool: You look like fucking idiots. Do you realize that you’re shaped like a light bulb? You can’t possibly think that this is attractive to women! Also, stop walking around like you’re as wide as my Hummer – you’re not. Lose the ego and walk like a normal human being. Also, get a new mirror so you can see how stupid you look. Just sayin’.

OhhhhhM:

Last week I went to a yoga class. I was patiently waiting in the hallway with a few other people (if you know me, you know that my level of patience varies on any given day but I was feeling particularly Zen that day). Anyway, we’re all chilling quietly and feeling our yogic vibes, except for this obnoxious, unkempt douche-bag who was listening to his MP3 at full volume. What the fuck? 1) It’s a yoga studio not Starbucks 2) Dude had a negative vibe 3) Aren’t yoga studios supposed to quiet spaces where you can meditate and reflect?

Surprise fuckers: 

You might be asking yourself what a ‘Surprise fucker’ is and I will tell you. A Surprise Fucker is a craptastic (read: stupid) driver who never feels the need to use his/her turn signal (because let’s face it, that’s just WAY too complicated). I particularly enjoy following Surprise Fuckers for long periods of time because this allows me to practice my defensive driving techniques. This is why I need a Hummer. I would so rear-end their asses. On purpose. Cab drivers are Surprise Fuckers (let’s see if Mr. T is still reading this blog).

The No Entrance/No Exit Policy:

There’s nothing I like better than walking behind someone who is too fucking stupid/lazy/oblivious to hold the door open for me. Now, I don’t think people HAVE to hold the door open for anyone – but when it’s morning rush hour and hundreds of people are getting off  trains and heading for the nearest exit, you would think holding a door would be an automatic reflex, no? No. I’m waiting for the day when I get my ass knocked out after being slammed in the head by one of those really dense doors that’s on a spring contraption. Fucker in front of me will let the door knock me unconscious and go about his day like nothing happened. This is why we have wars, people. Get a fucking clue – being nice is free motherfuckers!

My dog shit here, how about yours?

I have a dog. Her name is Tosca. Tosca is a big dog – she’s a German Shepherd. Big dogs shit big poop. My dog is trained to do her business in our yard prior to our escapades. If, for whatever reason, she needs to poop during our walks, we PICK IT UP. This is why poop bags exist. If you can’t pick up your dog shit, then don’t buy a fucking dog.  I’m getting sick and tired of having to look down when I power walk to avoid stepping in dog shit!

(No) Sympathy for the Devil:

For the last couple of weeks, university students have been wreaking havoc in Montreal, protesting an increase in tuition fees that will be applied each year for the next five years. The “increase” involves the sum of $325. This represents about $1 per day.  I have zero sympathy for these self-entitled brats, who have had no qualms about disrupting the lives of hardworking people like myself. Here’s why: first of all, students in the province of Quebec pay the least for tuition – they pay less than any other province in Canada. Secondly, if you can afford to buy the latest technology (Macs, iPhones, iPads, Smartphones etc.), brand name clothing/ accessories, $5 coffee, and you can afford to party every weekend, then you can afford to pay their tuition. Give up the luxury items and get a job – like I did when I was in school. I worked a full-time job while going to school full-time and I didn’t bitch about it. No one owes you anything.  Considering that tuition is excessively high in other countries, what do my US and foreign readers think about this?

And this concludes today’s etiquette post. Check out my other etiquette posts here. They’re much more sarcastic 😀

Things That Make You Go Hmmm…

Someone once told me that, years ago, it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do business at your front door. That must have been a really long time ago, because when I hear a knock on the door these days, I fantasize about answering it wearing Braveheart face paint while wielding a pitchfork or a trident.

Preet Banerjee, Globe & Mail

I read this quote in the Globe & Mail this morning and it made me laugh; probably because that last bit sounds like something I would say under similar circumstances – however, I would include the call of the Bedouin to accompany the face paint. I’m pretty sure door-to-door salesmen would stop popping in unexpectedly.

After reading Banerjee’s article, it reminded me of all the random visitors that used to ring our doorbell when I was a kid, notably, the ex-cons, who would go door-to-door selling leather wallets that they’d made, or pens and other assorted, often useless crap. We had Girl Guides, Boy Scouts and school kids selling chocolate, and people who sold freshly picked strawberries. We were often visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons too, who felt that the best way to spread religion was by going door to door and a) ask for money while b) insisting that we needed their brand of God to save us. Back then, people were more trusting – more willing to give a person the benefit of the doubt. Mom bought her fair share of wallets and the occasional pen from ex-cons in order to ‘help them get back on their feet’ (though religous nuts were kindly sent on their way). Can the same be said now? In this day and age, when the media constantly turns our eyes toward violence, scams, rip-off artists, the doctor turned murderer, the lover turned con man/woman, the mother who drowned her kid, elder abuse – does anyone really trust anyone anymore?  Do we have a reason to? Do you easily trust strangers? Do you give them the benefit of the doubt? Or are you more weary, cautious? Personally, I don’t answer my door unless I know someone specific is stopping in. There are just way to many nut jobs out there for me to take a chance. Similarly, I admit that when meeting new people, I maintain a certain level of suspicion until I’ve assessed that they’re good people and “trustworthy.”  Sleep with one eye open, I always say!
What do you guys think?

Idiot of the Month – May 2011 Winner!

Earlier this week, one of my readers forwarded me the below profile. She came across it on an online dating site, and felt that this person was highly deserving of the Idiot of the Month award. I concur! So without further ado, I present to you the Idiot of the Month for May 2011!

About Me:

  • I drink alot, am argumentative and extremely opinionated! [RAnnDomized: First off,  learn how to spell; ‘a lot’ is two words, not one. Secondly, ‘argumentative’ and ‘extremely opinionated’ are not qualities most women look for in a man. Perhaps you should invest a little time and effort in cultivating your level of intelligence.]
  • I have ego issues, and have problems taking no for an answer. [RAnnDomized: Read: Narcissist. The world revolves around him – yet another quality women don’t look for in a man. In fact, I would venture to say that women run away from idiots like this one and opt for a four-legged pet instead.]
  • On the plus side, I like to balance out my hedonistic ways with healthy experiences. [RAnnDomized: Oh? Such as? Looking at yourself in the mirror while flexing your bicep muscles? Is that what those are? Or perhaps you have a man-made lake in your basement, where you spend most of your time gazing at yourself? Just remember – that’s what killed Narcissus. Just sayin’.]
  • I know I am better than 90% of the guys on this site, in fact I would probably beat them up given the chance. [RAnnDomized: Isn’t that statement an oxymoron? You’re ‘better’ so you’re going to beat the shit out of  your competition? Insecure much? Or is this what you meant by balancing our your hedonistic ways with healthy experiences? Can you say DUH?]
  • PS. I’m well endowed and extremely good in bed!!! [Well now that makes up for everything! Men who boast about how well-endowed they are, and how great in bed they THINK they are, are usually all talk and no action. And they usually suck in bed. This guy needs a reality check on what women want!]

First Date:

Whatever…you pay!!! [Awesome! Thanks for telling us in advance – your level of stupidity and narcissism make it quick and simple to reject you before you even ask us out! Kudos, dude!]

Yup. This one is definitely a winner. I bet unsuspecting females are beating down his door to go out with him. NOT.

If you’re curious to see what I think about online dating, check out this post – and if you want to see who the last Idiot of the Month was, check out this post!

F**k the Rain

What better way to celebrate my return to the Blogosphere then by writing a brand new etiquette post? I know, there is no better way! Given that it’s been raining in Montreal for almost two weeks straight, let’s talk rain.

Photo: Kayode Okeyode


You Poke Me, I Poke You:
OK look – if you are one of those people who sports an unusually long umbrella, can you please have the foresight to carry your contraption upright, rather then slinging it back and forth as though it were some kind of horizontal pendulum (read: weapon)? The people walking behind you will be very grateful I’m sure, because most of them probably don’t want to have their eyes suddenly poked out of their heads, and I’m sure the boys would like to keep their nuts intact. Keep your disco stick to yourself.

Why Does it Always Rain on Me?:

I’ll tell you why – because oblivious, disrespectful train commuters insist on dumping their wet umbrellas in the overheads! Hello? Did you happen to notice that the overhead is just a set of rails with empty space in-between them?! Where do you think the water’s going to go? Do you think the train is equipped with invisible drains? Or perhaps you think that those of us who are seated, should be equipped with wet suits and large waterproof hats?

Rubber Ducky:

Similar to the above, it would be nice if commuters deposited their wet umbrellas on the floor, or perhaps, in a plastic bag, rather than leaving said wet umbrellas dripping on their fellow commuters’ feet. Hello. What the hell is wrong with you people? For once, can you pause to consider that there are other human beings, besides yourself, who reside on this bloody planet? No? Didn’t think so.

Batman & Robin:
You are wearing a jacket, not a cape. Can you please wait until you are off the train before flinging it around as though you’re about to take flight? We’re wet enough – we don’t need an additional sprinkle, thank you very much.

Battle of the Umbrellas:
It’s bad enough that I have to walk outside in the rain. It’s worse that I’ve had to do this for two damn weeks. Please, can you use your head, and either make room for oncoming pedestrians who also carry umbrellas (like YOU)? Perhaps angle your umbrella a bit, or raise it up/ lower it down so that everyone can walk past each other without colliding into a bunch of damn umbrellas? Also, refusing to move your body or your umbrella when people are walking toward you is really quite rude, particularly if this forces a person to hold their umbrella so high up, that they end up soaked. Karma, dude. Karma.

Car vs. Pedestrian:
Yes I know we’re all in a great big hurry to get to where we’re going. That said, in a downpour, doesn’t it make sense for drivers to allow pedestrians to cross the street so that they don’t get any wetter then they already are? You are sitting in the warmth of your car. It’s dry, you’ve got the radio on – everything is right with the world. But that pedestrian is getting soaked because it’s fucking raining sideways and they haven’t invented an umbrella for that yet. Have some heart people!

It’s NOT Li
ke Riding a Bicycle:
Apparently when it rains, people for get how to drive. I could write an entire post about this but I’m just going to leave it alone. That said, I do encourage you to read Driver’s Manual if you’d like to know how I feel about drivers in general.

And finally, a note to Mother Nature:

I understand that you are probably suffering from a severe case of PMS (Pre, Present, Post – whatever!), but I think I speak for all Northeasters (and in particular, Montrealers) when I say this: Please STOP the fucking rain already woman! Take some goddamn Midol or something!

So, what’s the weather like where you are? If you have been graced with the sun, can you please send a little bit my way before I go manic-depressive on the world?

Got something to say? Speak!