In the category of “these things only happen to me” and “what the fuck,” I present to you RAnnDOmized vs. the Headless Rat.” Yes, you read that correctly.
After spending all of Thursday feeling like my body was going to de-morph into two people at any given moment, I passed out around 9:30pm. Contrary to the last couple of weeks, I got a decent night’s sleep and woke up feeling pretty refreshed this morning. This turned out to be a good thing because I was about to need all the energy I could muster up (which is asking a hell of a lot of me at 6:30 a.m., thank you very much).
I rolled out of bed and went about my usual routine, which involves thyroid meds followed by a stroll into the living room to open up the blinds. Still half-sleep, I started to open the blinds and stopped midway, my eyeballs fixated on the balcony floor, at what appeared to be a living creature racing back and forth across the balcony. Upon seeing said creature, my immediate reaction was “What the FUCK IS THAT!?” I could not, for the life of me, wrap my brain around what I was seeing – because, good people, upon taking a closer look to make sure I wasn’t completely fucking mental, I realized that the THING had the body of a small rat complete with tail – minus a head. NO SHIT. Where it’s head should be was a stumpy pink thing with little spikes sticking up. I stood completely still as my brain tried to process what it was seeing. My first thought (after ‘WTF is that’) was ‘Is this some kind of new creature?! Because it looks fucking weird. Does it have a head? I don’t think it has a head – What the hell is that?!!’ By the time I made sense of what was happening, the THING had climbed into my folded chair, clearly looking for some kind of refuge. It stayed there for a while, and in the meantime I continued my discussion with myself about what the hell I was supposed to do with this shituation.
Eventually, No-Head came out of hiding and began quickly pacing on two legs and running on four legs – which is when I realized that what I had on my hands was a headless RAT shituation. As No-Head continued its frenzied pacing, I did some pacing of my own, still wondering how I was going to get rid of a headless rat. I mean, this isn’t something I encounter every day, y’know? So I went in search of tools that one might use when facing off against a headless rat, and returned with an empty margarine container. I decided against going out to the balcony in case No-Head attacked me, and instead, went outside using the main door, and made my way to the top of the balcony. I crouched down, holding my margarine container, and waited for an opportunity to trap the bastard. That opportunity came and went twice. Both times, I had to try and retrieve the damn container without falling onto the balcony and/or making contact with No-Head. I successfully trapped No-Head on the 3rd try – then ran into the house in search of some kind of weight to hold the container down. I could hear No-Head scratching and clawing at the container and turned to watch as the container took on a life of its own. Good LORD it’s too early for this shit people! I finally grabbed my chopping block and plopped it onto the container, then changed my mind and replaced it with a huge candle in a glass jar. Then I stood there wondering what the next step was going to be, as No-Head bounced the container around. I wasn’t stressed or anything…!
SO I went through my recycling and pulled out a pizza box. I then put on my bright yellow rubber gloves, ready to face off against the rat. There could only be one winner here! Except I stood there for quite some time trying to talk myself into it. Finally, I took a deep breath, pulled up my shorts, and out I went. Let me tell you something people – rubber containers are not good jail cells for little fuckers. After several attempts, I managed to slide the flattened pizza box under the rodent, but trying to pick it up was a whole other challenge because said container kept shifting and shit. Finally, after some deep yoga breaths and some creative ‘packaging’ I managed to pick up the whole damn contraption – rat and all, and throw it onto the lawn. Then I climbed over the balcony onto the lawn and batted the headless rat with my stick, to the curb. I dumped the box and container into the recycling bin and went inside. By this time I was bloody hot with all that adrenaline and shit flowing through my veins and I was glad it was over.
WELL, not so fast rat-catcher! There I stood at the kitchen sink washing my gloves when TABARNAC, what do I see by the balcony? A black motherfucker with a tail and no head! The fucker came back, yo! He has no head and he found his way back to me – how the hell is this possible!? My immediate reaction was to run across the living room screaming ‘motherfucker’ as I went, grab my stick and storm out onto the balcony. I will spare you all the details of what happened next, but let’s just say I no longer have a rat problem. At least, I don’t think so!
I’m thinking I gave my neighbors quite a show this morning. On the up side, they probably won’t be bothering me anytime soon.
So… what did you all get up to between 6:30-7:30 this morning?