iLike

Walking behind smokers. There’s nothing I like more than following a billowing smoke signal and inhaling fresh cancer-inducing toxins. Awesome! They should totally bottle that shit up and sell it!

Macho, macho men, who suddenly increase their volume at the sight of a hot chick (for the purposes of this exercise, we’ll refer to the hot chick as me). I also find it SUPER appealing when said (lascivious) men repeat their crap over and over, thinking this makes them seem smart and attractive (or possibly, they think I’m deaf). You look like an orangutan with mental problems, dude.

Pausing to let someone exit a building, and having that person nonchalantly let the door slam in my face rather than holding it open. Really? You were a foot away from me – did you temporarily go blind or did your big fat fucking ego swallow you up? Either way, you’re an asshole. But I can’t wait to let you slam the door in my face again!

Egocentric knobs who feel the need to quote “policy” to me on shit I can recite backwards and forwards. Honey, PLEASE. Isn’t it apparent yet that I can see beyond your mask of ineptitude and inefficiency? Don’t be quoting me that bullshit – if you want to reference policy, you might want to make sure you know what you’re talking about. Mofo.

Train she-assholes who elbow me in the back of the head. Repeatedly. WTF do you think you keep hitting, you obnoxious, self-absorbed beeOTCH? This is the problem with today’s society – everyone is too self-absorbed, and feels too self-entitled to pause and acknowledge the existence of others. Must be nice to live in a bubble. Guess that explains it: there’s not enough oxygen reaching your brain.

Accidentally buying solid milk and dark chocolate Easter bunnies at Laura Secord. First – I hate Laura Secord chocolate, and second, I’m SURE the wrapper(s) said MARSHMALLOW! Damn it. That’s all I wanted for Easter – one chocolate-covered marshmallow animal. Life is tough, man.

I don’t like:

Beautiful sunny days. I mean come on, who needs all this sun? And warmer temperatures? Please! Give me -30 damn it! I want to freeze my ass off and wear four layers of clothing!

The woman at Murale repeatedly calling me “beautiful girl.” Just because I have beautiful eyes and gorgeous eyelashes does NOT give you the right to compliment me. How dare you!

John-boy holding the door for me at Indigo, and telling me I’m the only person he would hold the door open for. Am I suppose to thank you for your chivalrous ways or something? I can hold the door open myself – I am a liberated woman!

John-boy’s colleague greeting me with joy, and hugging me before I left – AND telling me not to buy an e-Reader because I must continue to stop in at Indigo because they like to see me. Ugh, all this love is making me sick. What’s wrong with people?

Not being harassed on the train. Everyone should know by now that I LOVE train assholes and I love being harassed and abused by said assholes.

Having time to practice yoga. Seriously – do you think I prefer yoga to stress? Um, NO – stress totally makes me happy and I love it! I’m convinced being super stressed out and wanting to beat the shit out of certain inept people helps me to burn calories. Fuck yoga and meditation – bring on the heart-attack inducing stress!

And that’s what I like to call a reverse-etiquette post.

PS: To my new readers, I’m sarcastic. In case that wasn’t obvious 😀

Happy weekend dudes and dudettes!

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