So many people have been harassing me for a new Etiquette post that I just couldn’t put it off any longer (you’re welcome Jill). Now, I usually have a theme when I write these, but this one is going to be a mish-mash of random observations and “suggestions.”
Your crotch/ My face:
To the crotch-jamming chick I encountered on (you guessed it) the train yesterday: As much as I like getting to know new people, I’m not particularly interested in having you stick your crotch in my face at 7 in the morning (or at any other time of the day for that matter). If this is something you’re keen on doing, might I suggest changing career paths and getting a job in a strip joint or perhaps, a brothel. Or if you’re lucky, you might be able to find a Crotch-Jammers Anonymous group to help you with your problem. #trainassholes
Mirror Mirror (is broken):
To the men who think working out their upper bodies and ignoring their lower bodies is cool: You look like fucking idiots. Do you realize that you’re shaped like a light bulb? You can’t possibly think that this is attractive to women! Also, stop walking around like you’re as wide as my Hummer – you’re not. Lose the ego and walk like a normal human being. Also, get a new mirror so you can see how stupid you look. Just sayin’.
Last week I went to a yoga class. I was patiently waiting in the hallway with a few other people (if you know me, you know that my level of patience varies on any given day but I was feeling particularly Zen that day). Anyway, we’re all chilling quietly and feeling our yogic vibes, except for this obnoxious, unkempt douche-bag who was listening to his MP3 at full volume. What the fuck? 1) It’s a yoga studio not Starbucks 2) Dude had a negative vibe 3) Aren’t yoga studios supposed to quiet spaces where you can meditate and reflect?
You might be asking yourself what a ‘Surprise fucker’ is and I will tell you. A Surprise Fucker is a craptastic (read: stupid) driver who never feels the need to use his/her turn signal (because let’s face it, that’s just WAY too complicated). I particularly enjoy following Surprise Fuckers for long periods of time because this allows me to practice my defensive driving techniques. This is why I need a Hummer. I would so rear-end their asses. On purpose. Cab drivers are Surprise Fuckers (let’s see if Mr. T is still reading this blog).
The No Entrance/No Exit Policy:
There’s nothing I like better than walking behind someone who is too fucking stupid/lazy/oblivious to hold the door open for me. Now, I don’t think people HAVE to hold the door open for anyone – but when it’s morning rush hour and hundreds of people are getting off trains and heading for the nearest exit, you would think holding a door would be an automatic reflex, no? No. I’m waiting for the day when I get my ass knocked out after being slammed in the head by one of those really dense doors that’s on a spring contraption. Fucker in front of me will let the door knock me unconscious and go about his day like nothing happened. This is why we have wars, people. Get a fucking clue – being nice is free motherfuckers!
My dog shit here, how about yours?
I have a dog. Her name is Tosca. Tosca is a big dog – she’s a German Shepherd. Big dogs shit big poop. My dog is trained to do her business in our yard prior to our escapades. If, for whatever reason, she needs to poop during our walks, we PICK IT UP. This is why poop bags exist. If you can’t pick up your dog shit, then don’t buy a fucking dog. I’m getting sick and tired of having to look down when I power walk to avoid stepping in dog shit!
(No) Sympathy for the Devil:
For the last couple of weeks, university students have been wreaking havoc in Montreal, protesting an increase in tuition fees that will be applied each year for the next five years. The “increase” involves the sum of $325. This represents about $1 per day. I have zero sympathy for these self-entitled brats, who have had no qualms about disrupting the lives of hardworking people like myself. Here’s why: first of all, students in the province of Quebec pay the least for tuition – they pay less than any other province in Canada. Secondly, if you can afford to buy the latest technology (Macs, iPhones, iPads, Smartphones etc.), brand name clothing/ accessories, $5 coffee, and you can afford to party every weekend, then you can afford to pay their tuition. Give up the luxury items and get a job – like I did when I was in school. I worked a full-time job while going to school full-time and I didn’t bitch about it. No one owes you anything. Considering that tuition is excessively high in other countries, what do my US and foreign readers think about this?
And this concludes today’s etiquette post. Check out my other etiquette posts here. They’re much more sarcastic 😀