The Invisible Post & Jabba the Hut

Before I write today’s post, let me vent about the fact that it was already written – operative words: “was” and “written.” The post was completed yesterday while on the train, and was saved diligently (multiple times) to ensure that the fruits of my blog labor would be safeguarded against accidental deletion.  As I sat myself down last night, ready to transfer the post into WordPress, I came to the shocking realization that the ass of a CrackBerry had eaten my post. Yes, that is correct people – today’s original post was sent into the big black Internet hole courtesy of the AsscrackBerry and/or the shitty GMail app – I haven’t decided which of the two is the bigger asshole yet, but I’m sure they are both equally responsible for the demise of my post.  In any event, I need to sit myself down and re-write the original post, but can only do so when inspiration strikes me once more.  In the absence of said post, I present you with the following true story…  A word of caution: I am not exactly kind in my description of certain events but you may attribute this to the fact that certain people pissed me the F off before 8 a.m. You have been warned – but don’t hold it against me.

As you likely know from reading this blog, I seem to be frequently plagued with interesting situations that I sometimes feel, must only happen to me. I’m convinced that these are the Universe’s way of testing not only my patience, but my mental capacity toward stupidity as well.  Truth be told, it’s probably a real miracle that I haven’t gone Hobo with a Shotgun on more then one occasion as a result of the self-entitled assholes that I encounter more often then I would like. But hey – who wants to spend time in jail for ridding the world of stupid A-Holes?

This morning I woke up before the alarm – another miracle. I got ready for work, had time for breakfast (this is no small feat) and headed off to the train station. When I arrived at Central Station, I bee-lined for the coffee shop that I frequent every day, got my coffee and headed over to the leather chair ‘section.’ As is my custom. I sat down by the fireplace, put my bag on the chair next to me, pulled out my book and plugged myself into the Pod. All was well with the world until Jabba the Hut showed up. I see Jabba on a regular basis and each time that I do, I think a few things: 1) Dude needs to lose weight and fast, 2) He really needs to stop stuffing his face with pastries and danishes before he pops, and 3) It wouldn’t hurt to join a gym. I mean look, the guy looks like an unhealthy slob, end of story. Does that mean he’s not a nice guy? Normally I would say no, but today is not that day.  Fast forward to a few minutes after Turdtastic arrives (err, that would be Jabba to you people) – when his equally plumptastic daughter shows up; she storms in like Rasputia on BBQ ribs (y’all need to check out Norbit if this reference means nothing to you) and slams her shit down on the chair that has my laptop bag on it. No, no people – I’m not exaggerating. There was no civility or delicacy in her actions whatsoever. So I look up as she walks away. Generally, I don’t care if someone puts their bag or coat on the same chair as my stuff, but today was not that day either.

Plumptastic returns from her pastry run (obviously) and with the grace of an elephant, throws herself directly onto my laptop bag. No shit people. She does not ask me if I can move my bag, or if I might be waiting for someone, or if she can sit down. She just deposits her over-sized big ass, onto my shit. It is quite possible that there was steam coming out of my ears at this point but I’m not sure. I grabbed my bag and yanked it out from under her fat ass and informed her that NEXT TIME, she might want to ask before sitting her ass down on someone else’s belongings. Admittedly, my sharp wit was a bit slow this morning because normally, there would be a lot more punch to whatever came out of my mouth. Anyway. I guess Jabba was talking to me because I kept hearing some kind of babbling in the background but Plumpy’s ass was in my way so I couldn’t see him. When I popped my head around said ass, I observed Jabba mouthing something to me. So I take out one headphone and say “Excuse me?” Jabba then has the balls to ask me if there’s a problem. “Yeah there’s a PROBLEM! Civilized human beings typically ask before sitting their asses down on other people’s belongings.” Jabba then starts to give me a lecture about bags not belong on chairs, which was cut short by the fact that I popped my headphone back in for the simple reason that I didn’t give a shit.  There are many things I could’ve told Turdtastic Jabba – like pastries don’t belong in his mouth.  I could’ve told Jabba to get off his high horse, but I suspect he’s not allowed to mount one due to existing animal cruelty laws. Has anyone every seen a legless horse before?  So I will say this: take your sense of entitlement and shove it up your ass. Perhaps you and your unhealthy daughter should consider joining a gym and working out each  morning, instead of harassing people about the bags-on-chair ban.  Also, nice way to lead by example…. DAD (Uh, to be clear, we’re not talking about my dad).

 

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12 thoughts on “The Invisible Post & Jabba the Hut

  1. Pingback: Off the Top of My Head – 5’11 « Waxing Lyrical

  2. First let me start by saying I felt your L-O-V-E today while I typed away feverishly in the jury holding pin. I didn’t get to antibes posts this morning but Thy was anxiously waiting for the boys to start baseball practice this evening so SHE could read it to me. She had a hard time getting through it with all our laughter but made it.
    Let me say it’s people like you that make me miss working in coffee shop. Keep us laughing

  3. LMAO! You should have made yourself a crazy person screamed that she had killed your imaginary friend that was sitting there! “OMG! You killed Raymond!! (just a random name)” Or that she had just sat on “Hammy”, your hamster you had stowed in your bag! LMAO would love to see the reaction to that.

    Honestly, it’s the attitude of the daughter that disturbs me, regardless of her size. That sense of entitlement that she cannot even ask you whether the seat is available or not…it’s going to ruin this world. Afterall, “Raymond” or anyother person could have been in the bathroom or buying coffee and you were savign a seat. You would have politely said, “no you can use this seat” and removed your bag had she just had the courtesy and respect to ask.

    • Size really has nothing to do with it, but because they both pissed me off, I repaid them with my Tit for Fat approach!

      Exactly, Jabba told me that maybe someone wants to ‘sit’ there – well fuck-ass, there are two empty chairs to your right!

  4. Holy Hell! Where to start?!?! First this is fantastic, tell us how you really feel! 😉 2nd Turdtastic might be my favorite new word.

    How in the hell did you not go completely spastic on these people? I admire your strength in not going postal. I think my blood was boiling just reading it. Why does it seem that the ‘larger’, or as you said and I prefer your term bette,r plumptastic people are just plain rude or on a high horse and they think everything is owed to them? is it just me? That just makes them 10x worse because on top of watching them push fucking pastries in their mouth or whatever grossly fatty food it is they have a flipp’n attitude! It’s now our fault you are the way you are, if it is a true genetic thing then ok but when you are shoving food in your mouth non stop you are to blame and you need to STOP IT. Loose your damn attitude and be happy!

    • You tell it like it is girlfriend!

      Honestly, if this had been two years ago, Jabba would’ve been the recipient of my coffee splattered all over his face or my foot in his ass. I mean first of all, don’t even try to intimidate me or put me in my “place” because you’re having a bad day, or to make yourself feel better because you think shitting on other people will help you with that. If you’re miserable with your life, that’s great – but the rest of the world doesn’t have to suffer for it. He should be more concerned about the fact that his kid is a rude, inconsiderate, self-entitled biatch. Honestly, if I behaved like that, my mother would have put me in my place so fast, I’d likely never set foot in another coffee shop again!

  5. *trying to catch breath and wiping tears from face while the kids are trying to figure out if I’ve lost my damn mind*

    Holy shit woman! What in the hell are you trying to do to me here? Don’t you know that I need to keep it down? Did you say “plumptastic”? LMGDFAO!! Yes…..yes I do believe that you did. That’s fantastic! So sorry you had to encounter Jabba and said offspring first thing this morning, but I have to thank you for sharing the experience.

    Now on to something to make you laugh, since it’s obvious you could use a chuckle. Feel free to point and laugh at Mr T today as he is stuck at the court house all day. Why is that you may ask….can you say JURY DUTY!!! Hahahahahaha

    • LMAO! Your comment on my post has me laughing out loud! I most certainly did say “plumptastic” and not only that, but I also said “turdtastic”! I am in true form, don’t you think? Two Annisms in one post! In addition, I bet there are a few people who think my “commentary” was somewhat politically incorrect – but I don’t think so. It’s tit for fat, in my opinion. OHHHHHHHHH! And another smartass Annism! Tit for fat – get it? 😀

      Haaaaaaaaaaaa ha! Well actually, I was sure you were going to say he’d been arrested for texting and driving, or eating and driving, or driving and not paying attention :-p Send him my L-O-V-E.

  6. aaaaaaaaaand breeeeeeeeaathe…

    I must congratulate you on your ability to restrain yourself from a) shoving Jabba’s daughter’s pastry into her face b) wacking the retrieved laptop bag around her head or c) going completely nuts, and crack a chair round BOTH their heads.

    I think common courtesy seems to be going out the window, and Jabba and his daughter seem to be proof of this 😦

    Perhaps you should have a spike in your bag next time.. so if another plumptastic tries to sit on your shit, they’d get one hell of a surprise…mind you, they might not feel it…

    • LMAO Willow! I do like this idea, mind you. Do you think that they could take legal action against me? I mean, in theory, I could carry a spike in my bag for those occasions when I want to do some random gardening – not necessarily to use as a weapon 🙂

      I definitely agree. I wrote a post a while back called Is Chivalry Dead? I have to tell you that in my opinion, it most certainly is. Let’s hope the man of my dreams is chivalrous – or at the very least, pretends to be 😉

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