I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you that I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. Whether I am single or in a relationship makes no difference – I think Valentine’s Day is complete and utter bullshit. Can someone explain to me why we need a designated ‘love’ day? Should we not show our partner the love all year round, without being prompted to do so? Are we so busy throughout the year, that the only free time we have to show that love, is on February 14th? Here are a few things I think of when the term ‘Valentine’s Day’ comes up:
– First of all, who came up with the term ‘Valentine’? Was it Charlie Brown? Why ‘Valentine’s Day’ and not, say, ‘Cupid’s Day?’ Isn’t Cupid that little flying bastard with the bow and arrow? Would this not be a more appropriate name for this ‘holiday?’ Prepare to duck – Cupid is flying around ready to shoot you in the ass with his love arrow! Caution: the love wears off within 24 hours and will not be seen again for another 364 days.
– Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. If it were a holiday then I would get a day off work. It is not a special day. Were it special, I could skip work altogether. Now that would be showing me the L-O-V-E.
– Anyone ever notice how the acronym for ‘Valentine’s Day’ is VD? Venereal Disease, anyone? Just sayin’…
– Who decided that chocolate was the universal VD gift? I can buy chocolate every damn day if I want to; I can pick up Ferrero at Wal-Mart, Kit Kat at the drug store, Reese’s PB Cups at the gas station. Hell, I can get Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store. Do you really think that buying me chocolate is that special? Dude, for real. Get me a new router for my Mac, or a spa getaway, or some Sweet Love KUSMI tea – or a gift certificate to Lululemon. I can buy my own chocolate and at least then I’ll get the kind I actually like.
– Please don’t get me any of that heart-shaped candy; if you love me, then tell me you love me, fool! Saying ‘I love You’ or ‘Be Mine’ on a piece of candy means your love has an expiration date – as soon as I put it in my mouth, the love is gone. Duh?
– I do not wish to be publicly humiliated. Please don’t take me to a restaurant on February 14th and force me to sit amidst red and pink balloons, in a place that’s overdosing on VD decorations. I also don’t want to eat chocolate fettuccine, nor do I wish to share a special love menu for two. I want me own seafood dish, and I want my chocolate in dessert form, thank you very much.
– To those of you who insist on demonstrating the love that you feel for each other in my presence – please get a room. February 14th doesn’t get you a free pass to publicly display how hot you are for each other. Perhaps you should consider going to one of those cheap motels that have heart-shaped, vibrating beds instead. Then you can have your love-in undisturbed. As in, you won’t disturb me or any other innocent bystander.
– I’ll take the flowers, thank you. But I prefer Gerber daisies and lilies. Save the red rose crap for someone else. Who invented that rule anyway? And why must the roses be red? Why can’t they be pink? White? Yellow? Black? What if your girlfriend hates roses? What if she’s allergic? Break the rules man!
– Obviously our musical tastes differ. Significantly. If you ever play Rod Stewart’s The Way You Look Tonight or Chris de Burgh’s Lady in Red for me again, this relationship is OVER.
Let’s face it – Valentine’s Day is just one big marketing scheme contrived to make poor suckers spend their money on shit they don’t need. Like Christmas, it is commercial and not about the love at all. It’s about ‘proving’ your love to your partner by buying them useless shit. So – for those of you who celebrate V-Day, what do you usually do? Do we like or dislike V-Day and why? Discuss.