Etiquette for the Online Stalker. Err, Dater…

Personally, I’m not a fan of online dating and I have very little interest in going down that road. I prefer to meet men naturally – in a coffee shop, in HMV, walking down the street. To me, dating sites are the online version of a meat market, though be it a much larger, more viral one. I’ve had a few conversations recently with friends and acquaintances who opted to try the online dating scene; based on their feedback, I had enough material to put together a brand new etiquette post – for all those guys out there who think they’re the online shit. In order to write this in the first person, I had to put myself in my friends’ shoes, and then conjure up my inner b*tch for effect 😀

Not Hooked on Phonics: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! If you’re trying to impress someone online, whether they be man, woman or animal, and you opt to email or IM that person, how about you get off your lazy ass and: 1) use full sentences, 2) use proper spelling, 3) throw in a little punctuation for good measure? Unless the recipient of your email/IM is as daft (or lazy) as you are, you ain’t impressing nobody.

To All the Illiterates I’ve Never Loved Before (and likely never will): Dear Smoker and father to nine children, if you read my profile prior to initiating contact with me, you would know that I don’t date smokers, nor do I want kids – not mine or anyone else’s. You would also know that unlike you, I am not a fan of Enrique Iglesias or Leona Lewis. I like Nine Inch Nails and Led Zepplin. Still think we’re a match made in heaven? Read the damn profile first! You’ll save yourself and your victims a lot of time.

The Invisible Font Phenomenon
: Here’s what’s going to happen – you’re going to send me an email with ‘Hi’ in the subject. You won’t write anything else in that email – not one damn word! I will then proceed to delete your email because your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to write anything useful in said email. Tip: If you don’t want to write, then stick to IMs, where it’s acceptable not to write full sentences or use punctuation, and keep your questions/responses to a four-word minimum.

Stalktastic: Listen dumbass – if you email me and I don’t respond, there might be a reason. Like, you’re not my type, we don’t share the same interests, or you look like a stalker. Please don’t IM me – if I didn’t respond to your email it’s not because I’m playing hard to get – it’s because I’m not interested. I will proceed to reject your incoming IM. Do not follow that up with another fucking email! Also, if you email me every time I log on, it will soon become apparent that you’re stalking me! Stop it!

Ignorance is Bliss: To further elaborate on the above point – if I don’t respond to your email, it means I’m not interested. Stop sending me follow-up emails to tell me that I’m a rude b*tch I am for not responding to you. Get over yourself – you’re not my fucking type! Dude, move on!

Going To the Chapel: I know this is difficult to comprehend – but not every single woman in her thirties wants to get married. At least not within five minutes of chatting with you. Chill OUT. Similarly, don’t invite me to dinner at your place or ask me to come over and show you how to do yoga – I don’t know you and I may never want to know you beyond this chat window!

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words: OK, here’s what doesn’t impress a girl: Pictures of you on or in your car/ truck/ motorcycle/ boat/ ATV – if you’re that attached to your vehicle then maybe you should date it. Pictures of you with no shirt on, wearing only your boxers/briefs/Speedos, working out or posing, or pictures of your random body parts. If you like yourself that much, then just date yourself – I’m sure the two of you will be very happy together. And lastly, pictures of you with your ex-wife/ ex-girlfriend – honestly, why the hell would you even post those when you’re trying to win over a chick?

Words Are Worth 1000 Words: Look, if you can’t carry a conversation via chat, my guess is you can’t carry one in real life either.  If you sound like an idiot when you type, no one will want to meet you. Furthermore, please cut the attempts at intellectual bullshit – trying to appear ‘philosophical’ or mysterious just confuses you and everyone else because half the time, you make no damn sense. Just talk!

I Think Therefore I Am: Maybe if you were more creative, you’d get more hits. Openers like “I might be the one you’re looking for,” “You won’t be disappointed” or “Looking for the one” are so incredibly generic – there are about 10,000 other guys using the exact same line. Try a little originality why don’t you.

Have any of you checked out the online dating scene? If so, what was your experience like? And for those of you haven’t, what do you think about this way of meeting members of the opposite sex?

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9 thoughts on “Etiquette for the Online Stalker. Err, Dater…

  1. Pingback: Idiot of the Month – May 2011 Winner! « Waxing Lyrical

  2. Hi–found out about you through your friend ThyPolar’s blog; your posts are very funny. I agree that online dating is a mess, though I guess it has worked for some. If you want, please read my “Adventures in dating.” I’d also add one more rule, or whatever, to grocery shopping–after you stack your crap on the counter, then move to the tiny little check-writing station to pay; don’t stand back in my way while you’re handing them cash, a blank check, or waiting for your receipt, so that I have to wait to set my 18-pack of beer and one jar of baby food on the counter! (An actual purchase of mine years ago–proud moment) Thanks for the entertainment.

    • Thanks for stopping in 🙂 I will definitely stop by to check out your posts! I’ve done a little research of my own relative to this online dating crap, and I can confirm that it is indeed CRAP. Honestly, and some people wonder why they’re single – there’s a reason and everyone else can see it except you. Problem? LOL!

  3. Oh, and to add to the picture part….Make sure it’s recent! I once saw a guy with a profile that had a picture of himself on the top of the WTC. This was late 2009!!!!

  4. Ok, I’m late on my reply, but this is hilarious and I’m sure anyone who dappled in the online dating scene can relate 🙂
    Sometimes I wonder if guys even know what girls like. “eHarmony asks…”what are you passionate about?” One of my matches answered “Sports”. Seriously? MOVING ON
    LOL

  5. I LOVE your damn etiquette posts. That said, this was hilarious. I have never checked out the whole online dating scene because I honestly haven’t been single since I was like 14. Isn’t that strange? I’ve had friends that have done the online dating stuff and have come out with similar stories. How can people claim to be educated when they can’t even punctuate a sentence? I had a friend with severe animal allergies post in her profile that she was looking for someone who didn’t have pets. Almost everyone that contacted her had at least one dog. Are people truly that oblivious? Lol, maybe Mr T and I should do some investigative reporting on this topic. It might be entertaining 🙂

    • I’m thinking of going incognito, for the sake of research because I have a follow-up to this post that I’m thinking of writing! I think you guys should do the same – we’ll all go on the same site, and investigate LOL!

      Personally, I would never be able to chat or date someone who can’t write because I’m a stickler for basic grammar etc. Honestly, how do you think can impress someone with ‘hi how r u?’ Dude, get a dictionary!

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