Etiquette for the Grocery-Impaired

Well. To be honest, I thought we would make it to at LEAST February before I’d be forced to write another etiquette post but nope, it appears that yet another group of socially inept individuals are in need of instruction. Fear not! I am here to get the job done!

Let’s get this out of the way first: I hate shopping for groceries. I would rather have my teeth cleaned, then plow my way up and down aisles in search of something to eat. Strangely, some people actually enjoy this chore, though I have yet to figure out why. I have even been told that this is relaxing for some. HUH? Here are a few reasons why I find this task neither enjoyable or relaxing.

 
The Grump: Based on Sunday’s experience, we will refer to this type of shopper as ‘he.’ Grump stomps about the grocery store looking like he’s going to pound the shit out of anyone who so much as looks at him the wrong way. Hey grump! Who put rat shit in your Cheerios this morning? This isn’t a football field – don’t charge me like a quarterback, clutching that loaf of bread as though your life depends on it, and expect me to move. Drop the loaf and find some manners, fool! And you, Boozer – why don’t you try a shower/ shave before you leave the house? Maybe comb your hair and put on some clean clothes while you’re at it. I came face to face with this plump , disheveled groucho right after my encounter with the quarterback;  boy did he look like he had a stick up his ass. I’d just rounded a corner and was walking to the right – as per standard walking etiquette (walking is like driving people – stick to the right!);  Boozer gave me a dirty look, stopped, raised his arms, and sighed as though I was the most aggravating person on the planet. Then he did some kind of weird head jerking movement. All the while, he’ s staring me down, wild-eyed. It took me a moment to realize that the head spasm was his way of telling me to go. God forbid he should open his mouth to SPEAK. If you’re a mute, grumpy asshole, then stay home! Why you were shopping at 10 a.m. to begin with, is beyond me, as you are so obviously not a morning person!

The Tailgater: Do you know how long the meat counter is? Well I don’t know either, but it’s at LEAST 50-feet long. Yes, I know that all that meat is hypnotizing to look at, but how about you step off? I don’t need your cart up my ass, OK? There’s no one but you and me at the counter – look up the definition of personal space when you get home and apply your new-found knowledge next time you go shopping!

Speedy Gonzales: There’s nothing I like more then walking down an aisle, only to find myself the target of some asshole’s cart rage. Is this where you go now when your driver’s license has been revoked? Why don’t you try going for a jog or something before you shop?  That said, not only do you need to worry about road warriors when shopping for your groceries, you also have to worry about total nut jobs. A few weeks ago, I was at the  store with my mother; there I was, patiently waiting off to the side when out of nowhere, this freak sporting a pom-pom hat came flying past me on a cart. I watched in amazement as she flew past me, legs tucked under the cart, completely oblivious to the fact that she was in a grocery store that was quite populous. I was in the middle of processing what I’d just seen when she came back to the front of the store and did it all over again! What the fuck? If you’re looking for a quick thrill, try  tobogganing, you giant idiot of a woman. Let’s just say that I wasn’t too surprised when I saw her hippie counterparts flinging cauliflower and broccoli into their cart – apparently they were in the mood to play basketball in the middle of aisle 1. Oh yeah, and they were in their early thirties!

Narcissus: If I’m checking out the bell peppers with my cart by my side, do NOT shove my cart five feet away just because you need one damn red pepper. Newsflash: the world doesn’t revolve around you or your ego – wait your damn turn, or politely ask me to move my cart. If I’d seen your egocentric ass there in the first place, odds are I would’ve moved my cart without you having to ask. I mean really, how long do you think I’m going to remain planted in front of the frigging peppers dude?

The Space Invaders: Oh. My. God, what did I TELL you about reaching over me and grabbing shit?! It’s not like every fucking fruit or vegetable is in its own individual cube and we each have to wait our turn to get at it! Try going around me you fat, lazy sod – and if you really must get your bananas from the left, wait until I’m done!

Double the Pleasure: Once again, I will remind you that walking is like driving… So don’t double-park your cart next to mine in an aisle. Why? Because no one else can get through! Place your cart in front of, or behind mine but allow other shoppers to circulate freely, woman!

The End is Near: This is when you get stuck in line behind someone who is obviously preparing for the end of the world. Their cart is stacked with crap and they can barely push it, it’s that heavy. Why don’t you do two trips? Or shop with a partner/friend/relative? Then you can use two carts and use two different check-out lines, and potentially not hold up traffic for an hour!

Starvin’ Marvin: The sample lady is not there to feed you an entire meal. Take your damn sample and move along already. Give the rest of us a chance and tasting the next best thing.

The Raceway: The car park at your local grocery store is NOT A RACE TRACK. Slow the fuck down!

Courtesy of Cartoonstock

 

What do YOU love or hate about shopping for crap – errr, I mean food?

 

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16 thoughts on “Etiquette for the Grocery-Impaired

  1. *whisper* I love grocery shopping *whisper*

    It’s a whole hour on Saturday morning all by myself while J takes the boy to swimming lessons.

    Now that we’ve swapped duties, i don’t get to do the groceries for a while – and this makes me sad.

    Maybe it’s because it’s really early on Saturday morning, but my store is fine…nary an a$$hole in sight. It’s mostly people like me – parents who are up way too early and enjoying the time by themselves while the other half takes kids to the Y next door.

    By the time I’m checking out, however, I notice the idiots traipsing in.

    My BIG peeve: The MONSTER size carts that have a whole kids CAR attached to the front. I tried one with the boy ONCE for shits and giggles. Never again.

    • That’s another good one that I forgot – and what about the parents who let their kids push those mini carts around? I don’t think it’s cute man – all I want is to do the groceries and get the F out, and the damn kid is in my way! Move it or lose it grocery boy!

  2. Love you post, so true!!
    What bugs me about grocery shopping is the people who use the do it yourself cashes, first off they don’t know how to use them and spend five minutes trying to figure it out.
    Then they start scanning stuff but spend another two minutes looking over everything they take out of their cart like they have never seen it before,and usually their cart is full to the top so it takes them forever!!
    My thought is if your going to use the do it yourself cashes know how to use them, do it fairly rapidly and spend time staring at your food and stuff before you get to the cash. Because there are other people in the store! Not just you!!!
    Thank you:)
    /end rant

  3. First, I have to say that I HATE grocery shopping, especially with Mr T (let me explain). He has some weird OCD thing about grocery shopping that honestly requires extensive therapy. The groceries have to go in the cart a certain way (his way) and they also have to go up on the check out belt a certain way (again his way). He claims he is doing this to save the cashier the stress and hassle. But what about the stress he inflicts on me during the whole event while he spends 30 minutes reorganizing the damn groceries in the cart?
    The other thing that I hate is the loitering that occurs at the cashier stand. Pay for your shit and get the hell out of line so we can move this along please! Mr T pays and then insist on sitting there to organize his money, fix his wallet, and balance his finances in a program he has on his phone. Meanwhile, everyone behind him in line is about to move his ass out the front door for him. Ugh

  4. We are the “end is near” people. But we do have a tribe to feed so I give very us a pass. I hope THY listens to you about “Double pleasure”. She’s the worse about that. I’m always taking the cart away from her for that. Personal I vote for lane markings, signs, and a cart driving test

    • First, you are a dead man. Second, I will not defend myself. Yes we are definitely the “end is near” people but we are feeding a tribe of children, their friends, and a zoo (trust me Ann, you don’t want to know our weekly grocery bill). I do not double park my cart. Walking is like driving and you must always stay to the right. I simply park in the center (the merging lane and no one is on either side) so everyone can pass when necessary. I hate when someone parks their cart next to the food. How am I suppose to quickly grab what I need? Then when I am done, I merge back into the flow of traffic. Its not my damn fault other people haven’t got a clue.

  5. Hilarious post, though I can feel the angst, girl! I’m totally with you on this – I hate grocery shopping too. Those people stocking for the end of the world are the reason why I refuse to step into a grocery store on a Sunday, and by the end of the day, the husband and I are in an argument about how we never get anything “constructive” done on the weekend. Newsflash: grocery shopping stresses me out – not something I need on a weekend!!

    • I couldn’t agree more! I’ve discovered that Friday nights are the best – no one seems to buy food on Fridays so that’s when I go. When my kitchen is bare, and only then :-p

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