I hate the train just a little bit more every day. Contrary to what its intended purpose should be, I’m finding it tedious, inflexible and fucking annoying. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been developing a growing aversion to the train – not the vehicle itself, but the system that’s in place that a) prevents me from taking the train when I want to, b) does not provide me with accessible parking and c) forces me to interact with assholes. Those of you who read my blog have heard me bitch and moan about the train on numerous occasions so I’m going to cut the bitching short and proceed to the purpose of this post.
If I were lacking in social skills or, more precisely, if I was a disrespectful and inconsiderate bitch, I would most definitely take pictures of the people that I encounter on the train and I would post them on my blog for the whole world to see. However, since I don’t want to be sued for defamation of character, I’ll behave. While I work up the guts to start randomly shooting my subjects (with my camera, people!), let me give you some examples of the space invaders that I encountered on today’s commute home.
Kowy’s twin: The woman who sat across from me is an older twin version of my friend Kowy. The resemblance is uncanny and I now know what K will look like when she’s in her 50s. I can warn her that the curls are a definite no, as is the heavy foundation. K’s twin is under the impression that her seat on the train is the equivalent of a Lazy Boy. As a result, she may soon find her annoying tote bag (that’s currently resting on my knees) shoved up her nose. Note to K: Your twin is obviously not familiar with Commuter Etiquette 101 so make sure that YOU are!
Fake and Bake Barbie: Not only is this gal’s tan fake (and streaky), it’s also obvious that she’s had lip work done by someone other then a reputable surgeon. As I sit here eyeballing her, I will go out on a limb and say that she’s only had her top lip done. Her permanent expression resembles a mixture of cringing and disdain. Nice! This is also accompanied by unusually large eyeballs. Wonder if she’s had some kind of lift there. Should I ask?
The Bald Gumby (minus his horse): This guy also seems to think he’s sitting at home in his Lazy Boy. He is computing away with one finger while talking loudly on his goddamn Blackberry ALL the way home. He’s slouched down in his seat so that his knobby knees are touching mine, which aggravates me to no end, because if he sat his skinny Gumby ass up straight, we wouldn’t have this knee situation. Gumby is soon going to find my foot pressed up against his balls. Maybe then he’ll sit up straight.
Potential stalker dude: This guy replaced Fake & Bake and has been sitting there ogling me for quite some time, all the while with a big grin on his face. He does this every time we’re on the same train. He reminds me of Hagrid’s half-brother Grawp – this does not reassure me.
Self-entitled, agitated Asian chick: This woman walked onto the train and proceeded to push and shove her way down the aisle. I turned to see what the fuss was about and watched as she informed the bald guy to my left to stick his laptop bag in the overhead because it was bugging her. Are you kidding me? All the while she’s making facial expressions that lead me to believe she’s crazy for Coco Puffs.
Dumbass: I’m standing by the door. There is ALL this space down the aisle yet this stupid woman comes over with all her bags in tow and decides to crowd me. Her bags are pushing up against me and she doesn’t have the mental capacity to take my dirty looks and disgruntled sighs as a hint that she might be a LITTLE too close! Instead, she crowds me more. I reached the point where one of two things was going to happen: I was either going to get out of the car or take a swing at her with my laptop bag. I stepped out of the car.I don’t have money for bail.
What has commuting taught me? That most commuters are assholes who think it’s acceptable to invade one’s personal space. Such people live in a narcissistic bubble where no one exists but them. Their sense of entitlement allows them to believe that we should all make way for their giant egos. People who are self-involved don’t take the time to notice that there is a whole world living around them. That’s too bad because I’m pretty sure Narcissus fell into a pond and drowned. Get a clue people!
And this concludes today’s commuting adventures. Got a story? Share it!