Alert: Narcissists on Train!

I hate the train just a little bit more every day. Contrary to what its intended purpose should be, I’m finding it tedious, inflexible and fucking annoying. Over the last couple of months, I’ve been developing a growing aversion to the train – not the vehicle itself, but the system that’s in place that a) prevents me from taking the train when I want to, b) does not provide me with accessible parking and c) forces me to interact with assholes. Those of you who read my blog have heard me bitch and moan about the train on numerous occasions so I’m going to cut the bitching short and proceed to the purpose of this post.

If I were lacking in social skills or, more precisely, if I was a disrespectful and inconsiderate bitch, I would most definitely take pictures of the people that I encounter on the train and I would post them on my blog for the whole world to see. However, since I don’t want to be sued for defamation of character, I’ll behave. While I work up the guts to start randomly shooting my subjects (with my camera, people!), let me give you some examples of the space invaders that I encountered on today’s commute home.

Kowy’s twin: The woman who sat across from me is an older twin version of my friend Kowy. The resemblance is uncanny and I now know what K will look like when she’s in her 50s. I can warn her that the curls are a definite no, as is the heavy foundation. K’s twin is under the impression that her seat on the train is the equivalent of a Lazy Boy. As a result, she may soon find her annoying tote bag (that’s currently resting on my knees) shoved up her nose. Note to K: Your twin is obviously not familiar with Commuter Etiquette 101 so make sure that YOU are!

Fake and Bake Barbie: Not only is this gal’s tan fake (and streaky), it’s also obvious that she’s had lip work done by someone other then a reputable surgeon. As I sit here eyeballing her, I will go out on a limb and say that she’s only had her top lip done. Her permanent expression resembles a mixture of cringing and disdain. Nice! This is also accompanied by unusually large eyeballs. Wonder if she’s had some kind of lift there. Should I ask?

The Bald Gumby (minus his horse): This guy also seems to think he’s sitting at home in his Lazy Boy. He is computing away with one finger while talking loudly on his goddamn Blackberry ALL the way home. He’s slouched down in his seat so that his knobby knees are touching mine, which aggravates me to no end, because if he sat his skinny Gumby ass up straight, we wouldn’t have this knee situation. Gumby is soon going to find my foot pressed up against his balls. Maybe then he’ll sit up straight.

Potential stalker dude: This guy replaced Fake & Bake and has been sitting there ogling me for quite some time, all the while with a big grin on his face. He does this every time we’re on the same train. He reminds me of Hagrid’s half-brother Grawp – this does not reassure me.

Self-entitled, agitated Asian chick: This woman walked onto the train and proceeded to push and shove her way down the aisle. I turned to see what the fuss was about and watched as she informed the bald guy to my left to stick his laptop bag in the overhead because it was bugging her. Are you kidding me? All the while she’s making facial expressions that lead me to believe she’s crazy for Coco Puffs.

Dumbass: I’m standing by the door. There is ALL this space down the aisle yet this stupid woman comes over with all her bags in tow and decides to crowd me. Her bags are pushing up against me and she doesn’t have the mental capacity to take my dirty looks and disgruntled sighs as a hint that she might be a LITTLE too close! Instead, she crowds me more. I reached the point where one of two things was going to happen: I was either going to get out of the car or take a swing at her with my laptop bag. I stepped out of the car.I don’t have money for bail.

What has commuting taught me? That most commuters are assholes who think it’s acceptable to invade one’s personal space. Such people live in a narcissistic bubble where no one exists but them. Their sense of entitlement allows them to believe that we should all make way for their giant egos. People who are self-involved don’t take the time to notice that there is a whole world living around them. That’s too bad because I’m pretty sure Narcissus fell into a pond and drowned. Get a clue people!

And this concludes today’s commuting adventures. Got a story? Share it!


11 thoughts on “Alert: Narcissists on Train!

  1. This is funny! It reminds me exactly of when I commuted on the Ferry. I HATED it. I am huge on personal space and hate breathing other people’s air. I used to do the very same thing, make up names for the annoying SOB’s that really pissed me off on the ferry. It is about the only thing you can do in that situation. The worst for me was the person who sat next to you and tried to talk to me the whole time, and they always seemed to have breath from HELL! Oh how gross…. you want to breath but you cannot without feeling like you are going to melt into the seat from the toxic fumes.

  2. You’ve done it again, my friend! You’ve had me in tears and so I was forced to share why I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe with the hubby, who in turn starting to laugh as well. When he laughs he looks Asian, which brought me back to the “self entitled Asian chick”, which made me laugh all over again. Even the hubby says, you and I speak the same language. 😉

  3. I could write a book on subway assholes on the Toronto system. Sometimes I feel like the invisable girl because no one is aware of anything that is going on outside of themselves. And no one is aware of or cares for proper subway etiquette anymore. It’s every man/woman for themselves and all sense of respect and cooperation has gone out the door.

    The only thing that keeps me sane is my commute is only 15 mins….I can deal with that.

    Jackie C, I’m with you on that “space bubble”! Unless the train is packed to the rafters, people have no business being in my space. Nothing annoys me more than getting pushed into a corner by some person who pretends I’m not there, or just doesn’t care that I’m there, or maybe actually doesn’t see me there. And I defintiely an introvert!

  4. I cannot tell you how much I relate and appreciate your “bitching.” I moved to the ‘burbs two years ago but prior to that spent about 20 years dealing with the public transportation system in Washington, DC. I had such a hard time with all the folks who would crowd at the front of the bus even though there was plenty of room behind them, with the “space invaders” on the metro — all of it. I am an introvert, and read in a book that introverts need to have their “space bubbles” respected. That is why trains and buses can be such a challenge — we want others to share our sense of what is considerate and our sense of proper boundaries. Are you an introvert by any chance?

  5. Aww. I feel the love.

    Oh you have no idea how ‘good’ I am on the bus. I am the perfect commuter. I’ll go out of my way and sit uncomfortably so as not to annoy anyone else.

    Not so most of my fellow passengers.

    Today’s gem:
    The Lasalle College girl who gets on at the same stop as me every day. Judging by her HUGE tote bag full of fancy rulers and such, I’d say she’s taking Architecture or some such course.

    Today, she had her huge bag full of very pointy and really BIG rulers as well as her big document tube thing. Also, her big purse, a lunch bag, and a tool box. Whenever someone tripped over her stuff – because it’s IN THE WAY and she didn’t care enough to at least hold on to it – she’d scowl at them, mutter to herself and then ignore them.

    Also, she smells. Guess who I got to spend 45 minutes stuck next to?

    • Ugh, some people are totally clueless. I think we should just start telling them – maybe they’ll clue in. Or I may start carrying a mirror so that I can show them who Narcissus is.

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