I can’t take it anymore. If I have to listen to my neighbor stomp on my head one more time, I’m going to bust an artery. This calls for a long overdue post on neighbor etiquette! Fuck!
1- If you live above someone then LAY OFF the stomping TOM! Yes, you know who you are Stomping Tom Connor! Especially when you have the audacity to complain to ME about how your fat noisy neighbor walks so heavily that your light fixtures shake! Hello? If you can hear HER, what makes you think I can’t hear you? At least you have the luxury of turning off your goddamn hearing aid!
2- If your neighbor approaches you and politely asks you to make less noise [because you STOMP all day and all night (but of course I only say that bit in my head)], don’t walk away in the middle of the conversation you stubborn old coot! Have some manners! Owning a condo means that you have to coexist with your neighbors, and really, why would you want an antagonistic relationship with your neighbors when all you need to do, is quiet the fuck down? I want harmony damn it!
3- Dear dog owner – I love dogs. My parents own a dog and she is fabulous. However, they do not let our dog run rampant on other peoples’ property. Nor do they allow our dog to shit on their neighbor’s lawn or piss in their flower beds. Furthermore, they do not sit outside in the dark at 11pm and allow the dog to bark while the neighbor’s are trying to sleep. Get. A. Clue.
4- Dear Pitbull-in-heat living on the 3rd floor – Were you born with a stick up your ass? Have you always been this miserable? You are a rude, angry poop head who creates problems where none exist. Try greeting your neighbors with a smile once in a while instead of starting pointless arguments; you might find that life in Balconville is a lot more pleasant. I’m still amazed that this woman found herself a husband. This is truly mind-boggling.
5- For those of you obsessed with lawnmowers, chainsaws and power tools: do your neighbors a favor and mow your lawns/build furniture/cut down your trees after 9 a.m. Do you think your neighbors enjoy being awakened by the melodious sound of your gas mower at 7 a.m. on a Saturday? Similarly, it is not cool to use power tools late at night. Those of us with jobs would like to unwind listening to something other then the classic sounds of your table saw when we get home at night.
6- If you don’t live here, then don’t park in my spot. Don’t park in front of car, and don’t block my entrance. When I politely ask you to move, don’t give me attitude. I live here. ME. Not you. So use the visitors parking lot like everybody else.
7- Dear pervert, while I’m flattered by your obsession (OK, not really), please refrain from looking into my condo while I’m practicing yoga. If I were interested in performing for an audience, I would join the Cirque de Soleil – they pay more then you do. Respect other peoples’ privacy, especially if they are in their own homes. It’s not rocket science.
8- Dear pervert, I am once again flattered by your obsession, however sitting in the dark and scaring the crap out of me with random ‘hellos’ is just fucking weird. Get a life. Or a job. Or both. Heck, move out of your mother’s place while you’re at it!
9- While I agree that kids should be free to run about and express themselves, I don’t want them running about on my property, especially not in large groups. Please use some common sense and send them to a park, or tell them to stay on your property.
It benefits everyone to have a good relationship with their neighbors, and in order to do this, there needs to exist a mutual respect between home owners. We need to respect each others’ privacy and boundaries. I don’t know why that is so difficult!
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