The Mall of Horror

In recent years, I’ve developed a strong dislike for indoor malls and I hold a special place in my heart for Fairview. ‘Special’ as in, I especially hate this mall more then any other on the island of Montreal because it sucks. I had to stop in yesterday to run a few errands – skipping out wasn’t an option because I was picking up a birthday gift for the lovely LB. I didn’t think “the mall sucks” was a valid excuse to arrive empty-handed so I sucked it up and off I went to the mall of horror. What a disaster. First of all, I couldn’t even get into the parking lot from the main entrance off the highway because cars were queuing in an attempt to squeeze their way in. Who queues to get into a mall man? Impatient, I cut out of the mish-mash and motored down to the next entrance, where there was no queue. There was no queue because that part of the parking lot is located in Zimbabwe and no one wants to park there. At least I got a parking spot. Sure, I had to walk a mile in hurricane-like winds to get to the mall but I was going for a good cause – Bath & Body Works! Oh, and let’s not forget that even though the mall is on (the left side of) St.John’s boulevard – a main road – the city doesn’t allow you to turn left, rendering the mall inaccessible. There’s logic for you.

I walked in through Sears and mentally prepared myself for the flurry of fools I would encounter inside the mall area. Dear God, nothing could prepare me for the madness that awaited me. It was like December 24th all over again – I think every West Islander was in that damn mall yesterday, pushing and shoving rudely, and shopping till they were dropping (yeah, dropping on me). Thankfully B&BW is on the main level, and I joyfully gave thanks when I spotted the purple neon sign beckoning to me from inside Sears. That meant I didn’t have far to go. Nonetheless, I had to dodge the elderly, the hand-holding couples, the parents with their SUV-sized strollers and little monsters running amuck, large groups of teenagers and people who appeared to be sightseeing before I safely reached B&BW. My goal was to be in and out of there ASAP. Purchase made, I asked the clerk where Sephora was; my face fell as she told me it was located all the way on the OTHER side of the mall. Fuck . I spent about two hours in that mall dodging people and moving objects, and now know what it feels like to play for the NFL. Next time I’m wearing a helmet.

No matter the day of the week, Fairview is always brimming to capacity – even the downtown malls are not that full on a weekday! I often ask myself if West Islanders actually work for a living because they sure seem to spend a lot of time shopping.  Had I thought of this yesterday, I would’ve let out the call of the Bedouin – I could have parted that crowd like Moses did the red sea. If only I’d brought my staff.


14 thoughts on “The Mall of Horror

  1. I have a “Special” mall in Toronto. Yorkdale Mall….Saturday afternoon…ugh ugh ugh!!! Worst place in the world. Full of rude, and pushy rich people with SUV sised strollers and SUV sized handbags, and oh yes, SUV sized dog carriers. (Because we all know how much little teeny doggies love shopping with mummy and daddy). I love the mall, I love shopping, but I CANNOT stand this place on a Saturday afternoon. So I avoid at all costs, lest someone get hurt LMAO!! Only first thing at opening, or late night Saturday shopping (one of Yorkdale’s advantages).

  2. Woman! The grocery stores were no better!! And can I just add that all the narcistic idiots, people who aren’t aware of their surrounding, or pretend not to be, and leisurely browsers (who browses in a grocery store for Pete’s sake??!!), be banned from shopping at peak shopping hours! I swear to you…there were a number of 1 person incidents whereas this 1 person was restraining 10 other people from passing down an aisle! And these weren’t even at the cashes…uhg, which was a whole other incident in itself….although I did get a free box of crackers so I’ll hold my tongue on that one.

    I need to finish my Christmas shopping immediately!!!

  3. That is funny, I never thought to wear a helmet in a mall, but like you I hate ours too. I don’t go there anymore.

    Thanks for visiting me from SITS. Love you stuff. In a blog way, not a Single White Female kinda way.

    Have a great week!

  4. Sounds like malls are the same whether you’re in the US or Canada. I hate parents who just drop their obnoxious teenagers off at the mall and then go home and nap or something. If you don’t want to put up with your own children, why would we?! I live in northern Virginia, so despite the fact that there are four malls every square mile every single one of them is constantly packed and obnoxious.

  5. That was hilarious! Sounds like you love the mall just about as much as I do. Your mall doesn’t sound much different than mine to be honest. There are always way too damn many people and it seems you have to park in another county and hike your damn way in. Holiday shopping is the worst so it honestly sucks that my youngest son’s birthday is a week before Christmas. If I had the damn sense I would prepare ahead of time and shop online so that I could avoid the mall altogether, but I am never that prepared for anything.

    The SUV sized strollers are my enemy. I understand that they can carry your child, your luggage, your purse, your meal, and your mental status but they also block aisles and run people over. I’m a mom of three but honestly the little umbrella strollers are the best for shopping because they are quick, tiny and easy to maneuver.

    There are times I have thought about developing a twitch, talking to myself loudly and shouting obscenities so people will think I am a crazy bitch and get the hell out of my way! 🙂

  6. I feel for you all, I actually work in Fairview but thankfully not on the weekend,
    It is a mad house and it seems to get worse the closer it gets to Christmas.

  7. Crap! I was in Fairview yesterday afternoon. Parked way out in Zimbabwe. Entered through Sears. And…went to B&BW. Didn’t see you.

    We *DID* see Snookie and all her West Island Jersey Shore friends. We also commented on how much ‘stuff’ people buy. Do they really need all that stuff?

    I don’t hate Fairview. I just prefer it better at opening time…on a weekday.

    • I was there around 2:30-4. I missed Snookie and the Jersey Whores! Snap! Yes, I know what you mean – I was watching a woman surrounded by bags, pulling out all her purchases to try and rearrange them into less bags. She wasn’t very successful. Carrefour is much better.

  8. I feel ya, girl! I HATE the mall… I hate any type of shopping b/c the people manage to pluck my last good nerve and with a two year old, that’s not a good thing!!

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