In recent years, I’ve developed a strong dislike for indoor malls and I hold a special place in my heart for Fairview. ‘Special’ as in, I especially hate this mall more then any other on the island of Montreal because it sucks. I had to stop in yesterday to run a few errands – skipping out wasn’t an option because I was picking up a birthday gift for the lovely LB. I didn’t think “the mall sucks” was a valid excuse to arrive empty-handed so I sucked it up and off I went to the mall of horror. What a disaster. First of all, I couldn’t even get into the parking lot from the main entrance off the highway because cars were queuing in an attempt to squeeze their way in. Who queues to get into a mall man? Impatient, I cut out of the mish-mash and motored down to the next entrance, where there was no queue. There was no queue because that part of the parking lot is located in Zimbabwe and no one wants to park there. At least I got a parking spot. Sure, I had to walk a mile in hurricane-like winds to get to the mall but I was going for a good cause – Bath & Body Works! Oh, and let’s not forget that even though the mall is on (the left side of) St.John’s boulevard – a main road – the city doesn’t allow you to turn left, rendering the mall inaccessible. There’s logic for you.
I walked in through Sears and mentally prepared myself for the flurry of fools I would encounter inside the mall area. Dear God, nothing could prepare me for the madness that awaited me. It was like December 24th all over again – I think every West Islander was in that damn mall yesterday, pushing and shoving rudely, and shopping till they were dropping (yeah, dropping on me). Thankfully B&BW is on the main level, and I joyfully gave thanks when I spotted the purple neon sign beckoning to me from inside Sears. That meant I didn’t have far to go. Nonetheless, I had to dodge the elderly, the hand-holding couples, the parents with their SUV-sized strollers and little monsters running amuck, large groups of teenagers and people who appeared to be sightseeing before I safely reached B&BW. My goal was to be in and out of there ASAP. Purchase made, I asked the clerk where Sephora was; my face fell as she told me it was located all the way on the OTHER side of the mall. Fuck . I spent about two hours in that mall dodging people and moving objects, and now know what it feels like to play for the NFL. Next time I’m wearing a helmet.
No matter the day of the week, Fairview is always brimming to capacity – even the downtown malls are not that full on a weekday! I often ask myself if West Islanders actually work for a living because they sure seem to spend a lot of time shopping. Had I thought of this yesterday, I would’ve let out the call of the Bedouin – I could have parted that crowd like Moses did the red sea. If only I’d brought my staff.