Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed an influx of random guys hanging around my condo. To be clear, I don’t know any of these dudes and don’t think they’re hanging around here because of me. At the moment, I’m watching a skinny, shirtless dude, who’s sitting on a motorcycle that is definitely bigger than he is, admiring his own chest. I suppose the smoke and drink he’s having are helpful with the observation process. I don’t really see what’s so fascinating – I’m definitely wearing my contacts, and there is no chest there – in addition, he’s not very attractive. Besides the fact that he’s mostly skin & bones, he’s also got facial hair. I do not support facial hair.
Since I’m already writing about random men, how about that nutty neighbour? Every May, dude shows up and camps in his mother’s place until the end of August. Every morning, I get up and go to work. Every morning, he does not. Nice! I’m seeing the appeal already! Let’s talk about how I’ve observed this for the last 6 years…. I have intentionally avoided interaction with said person because I don’t like his vibe. Call me crazy, but my first impressions are usually pretty bang on – and so are my instincts. if I could remember what exactly transpired 6 years ago, I could probably give you a more valid reason but… I can’t. In any case, proof is in the pudding.
One Saturday morning a few weeks ago, I woke up and proceeded to open up the windows. I saw a dog run by. This perplexed me since no one here has a dog. I stepped outside to check out the weather factor and the dog eagerly ran over. Being a dog person, I made friends. Some time later, I decided to make use of my balcony. Big mistake. My new four-legged friend ran over to say ‘Hi’ and so I petted her, then heard her being called back. So I looked up and told the owner it was fine. Unfortunately for me, the owner turned out to be above-mentioned dude. And he started talking to me – you know, one of those people who just won’t shut up? About what? I don’t know – I zoned out. All I wanted to do… was read… my book. In peace. Somewhere through his lengthy discourse about dogs and what-not, he suddenly stopped and informed me that he had to go do the dishes. Yeah, you do that.
The next morning, I headed out to my hot yoga class and ended up being gone for most of the day; when I came home, I started cooking. Now, Stomping Tom upstairs was having some kind of stomp fest so I put in my earplugs. Yes people, I have earplugs. I’m in my kitchen cooking, when I thought I heard banging. Thinking it was Tom, I ignored it. But the noise didn’t go away, and it seemed to be combined with shouting. So I looked up to see a flailing arm and a fist pounding on the patio door! I took out the plugs – all I heard was someone shouting “HELLO!?” repeatedly, and banging on my window. Not knocking people – banging and screaming. I didn’t know whether to laugh or punch the person in the face. I headed over to the patio door – and who was it? The next-door idiot! The entire neighborhood heard him. I just looked at him. He started on about how he wanted to apologize for ‘running’ off the day before (yes, because this bothered me ALL night long). During all of this, he’s got a geranium blossom in his hand, which leads him into his next discourse – something about flowers being female, and representing living in the moment. Yup, every girl is hoping to date a self-absorbed crazy person. I haven’t been out on my balcony since (actually, not true – I went to wash my windows very early one morning, and heard coughing. Ignored it. More coughing. Ignored it. GOOD MORNING. I looked over, said good morning and went back to my windows).
Now, every single time I go outside, I hear coughing. I think it’s his mating call.